


Dark In His Arms

by SteadyLittleSoldier



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol, Alex doesn't cause he's smol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Boyfriends, Break Up, Closeted Character, Communication Failure, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Force-Feeding, Friends trying to help, Hangover, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, John is allergic to pollen, John smokes, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Miscommunication, Modern AU, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poetry, Rain, Relationship(s), Sad, Shower Sex, Spanking, The 2016 Orlando Shooting, Unhealthy Relationships, Vomiting, alex used to hate rain, but just mentioned - Freeform, john loves poetry, john loves rain, just mentioned though, poems about rain, sleeping pill, unprescribed meds, zoo au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 26,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10021439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteadyLittleSoldier/pseuds/SteadyLittleSoldier
Summary: Alex is hopelessly in love.And John is not.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title subjected to change.  
> Had this idea for a while now. I promise fluff in the next chapter and it will be bigger. But I don't know when I can post that. I have my finals next month and I'm in that state when you are so busy that you need to escape all that and write.

Alex sits at the edge of the bed. The music coming out of the speakers is slow and vague to his ears. Just white noise. The rain spattering on the window and the sound of the occasional thunder are rather prominent. 

_ Black are the waters that sparkled so green. _ __  
_ The moon o’er, the combers, looks downward to find us _ _  
_ __ At rest in the hollows that rustle between.

John may have played the music to lift the tension, but Alex cannot say it is working - opera, a lullaby; does John want to put Alex to sleep so he can dream? Nothing can work now… except for John’s voice maybe, but that is not coming. John is unusually quiet; of course, now that Alex thinks about it, John  _ has been _ awfully quiet lately. But he wishes he would speak now, anything at all, even if he yells at him, anything to stop the disaster that is about to happen. The silence  is deafening.

Alex needs to know  _ why _ . But he is afraid to ask John. His gaze follows John as he walks in and out of the room and neatly puts his things in a suitcase. Everything is fine - John’s walk suggest nothing different; he walks the way he always walks - back straight, head slightly bowed and relaxed pace as his strong, long hands sway at his sides. But if the man sitting by the suitcase is to be considered, then one can tell that his life is just about to crumble right in front of his eyes and there is little he can do about it as he is sat with his shoulders slumped. His tears seem to have dried from a week of sleepless nights; he does not feel like crying anymore. He clutches his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands, trying to concentrate on the sound of the rain. The sound has never been relatively soothing.

Minutes later he feels a soft touch on his head. Looking up, he finds John smiling softly down at him. He wishes he could smile back, as if everything was okay, but instead the corners of his lips tremble as John cups his face and rubs his thumbs over his cheeks soothingly.

“Take care of yourself, won’t you?” says John with his baritone voice. The sound rings in Alex’s ears, like his ears have been yearning for it for ages, like honey is poured into his ears, and he feels his eyelids flutter, he wants to close his eyes and drown himself in that angelic voice. He is still so in love with this man. But he resists.

A hundred questions bubble up in Alex’s mind, but he cannot find the strength to voice all of them. He doesn’t have the time either. Above all, he wants to ask why John is doing this. But only a small, pathetic “Please…” comes out of his mouth. A plea. His voice almost inaudible, his eyes begging. He can feel tears welling up in his big eyes and prays to God it does not spill. The tears haven't dried apparently. He does not want to cry in front of John; not now. He would, if it would stop John from leaving him. But he knows it will not work on John, it never does.

But John’s eyes soften a little and a deep sigh leaves his beautiful mouth. He bends down on his knees to place a tender kiss on Alex’s forehead, his breath warm against his skin making Alex shudder, and says, “Goodbye, Alex.”

It hurts Alex to see that the departure does not affect John like it affects Alex, to see that it does not affect him at all. Alex cannot hold his tears back any longer as John gets up on his feet and  leaves the room with a bag hanging from his shoulder and a suitcase dragging behind him.

The music still plays. The heartless rain keeps falling.

_ The storm shall not wake thee, nor sharks overtake thee _ _  
_ _ Asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss rain :(


	2. You Were There

_ 3 years earlier _

 

Gilbert’s flatmate is quiet. He does not notice Alex eyeing him from across the bar; if he does, he doesn’t let on.   
The guy is leaning on the counter, sipping beer as Gilbert beckons Alex and Hercules to join them. Gilbert informed them earlier that they would be joined by his new flatmate tonight. 

He is cute – Alex mentions to Hercules casually – with tanned skin that is peppered with uncountable freckles, heavy eyelashes and full lips. Tiny locks of his incredibly curly hair have gotten free from his bun, and hang loose adorably over his freckled forehead. His broad shoulders and abs obvious over his fit shirt and strong arms on display as he keeps pushing his sleeves up to his elbows. But he cannot yet see his eyes though. What color are they? Alex wants to know.   
_ Great day to decide to not wear contacts  _ \- Alex mentally kicks himself. He sort of hates contacts, and though he always keeps his glasses with him in case he needs them, he doesn't put them on because he thinks wearing glasses makes him look weird.

Hercules and Alex walk towards the stool that the guy was sitting on, with Gilbert standing right beside him, facing his friends. Mr. Cute turns around as the two of them come to a halt and flashes a tiny smile like he is suppressing it. Gilbert slaps the guy on the back, too hard to be considered friendly, and the poor thing winces. Gilbert’s too-hard friendly slaps were famous and dreaded among his friends.

“Gilbert…” he lets out a sigh.

“Warm up to it, my dude. It’s my way of showing love.” says Gilbert, dramatically.

“Yeah your life’s gonna be full of it now.” says Alex, chuckling a little nervously. “You know he bruised me the first week we met.”

“That’s because I love you so much! I gave you a love scar.  _ Je t’aime!”  _ says Gilbert before he swings his hands over Alex’s shoulder and tries to kiss him.

“Geroff!” yelps Alex, giggling, fruitlessly trying to shove Gilbert away from him, his shortness doesn’t help. 

Gilbert stops, but not before he kisses Alex audibly on both cheeks and on the top of his head without much effort. Alex feels his cheeks burning and prays to god that it doesn’t show.

“Alex is too soft anyway. You pinch him and he’ll get a bruise.” jokes Hercule.

Gilbert nods sagely as he says, “That is very true.”

“Am not!” says Alex simultaneously. “I’ll fight you both!” He shakes his tiny fists in their direction.

Gilbert huffs and smiles adoringly and tugs his fists down, pulling him to his side and swinging his hand over his shoulder. “Relax,  _ mon ami _ .” Alex can’t say he enjoys it, it makes him feel small. But he knows his friends love him and would never intentionally hurt him, so he doesn’t complain. “And meet my sexy flat mate -  _ Jean _ .” Gilbert continues, gesturing towards Mr. Cute.

Alex sees a blush rising over his freckled cheeks and thinks he looks adorable. He shyly looks at Alex, that smile seems to be plastered on that beautiful mouth, and says in a small voice, “Hi.”

“Hi.” says Alex, smiling, careful to suppress an instinctive, idiotic grin."I'm Alex."

“The name is John, though, not  _ Jean _ .”

“Alex thinks you’re cute.” interjects Hercules, a smug smile on his face, looking pretty satisfied with himself. And Alex can feel his cheeks burning again and, to his relief, sees John smiling at him. “I’m Hercules.” says Hercules extending a hand. John takes it.

…

John is quiet - Alex thinks that’s just how he is; not that he is complaining. His easy smiles are infectious, and Alex soon finds himself getting lost in them as his head buzzes with alcohol. He is a lightweight, seeing how short he is. He hopes John is not.   
John is careful with his drinks – Alex observes – he has only had one beer and is now sipping on his second. Maybe he has work tomorrow. Alex wants to know if he has work tomorrow. Alex wants to know where he works, if he works at all. Alex wants to know a whole lot more about him. He wants to sit close to him and just watch him talk, watch those perfect lips working as they form words, and his cheeks blush again, watch him stare intently through those heavy eyelashes. But John is quiet.

John talks only when he is addressed, and smiles at the group when they are absorbed in a conversation. Maybe he doesn’t want to butt in, maybe he isn’t comfortable with them yet, after all, the three of them have been friends for a long time now, and maybe John feels like an outsider. Alex wants to know.

John excuses himself from the group and walks out of the bar saying he won’t be a moment. Alex finally allows himself to grin like an idiot, and looks down. When he looks up again, he finds his friends staring at him.

“What?” he asks.

“You’ve been looking at the guy with heart eyes all night and you ask  _ what _ ?” asks Hercules.

“What heart eyes? Shuddup...” Alex ignores eye contact and takes a sip of his beer. It’s when he hears them snickering he looks up again. “What?!”

“Mon ami, you should go after him.” says Gilbert, slapping his back.

Alex flinches. “Ow! Will you  _ stop _ that?! Anyway he went out to get a break from us idiots, not so we can go and bother him again. He’s maybe already sick of us.” He takes a long sip of his pint, and feels a little dizzy when he puts down the glass.

“ _ Jean _ is not like that. And who says anything about me and Herc going out? I told you to go out. I am totally hooking you up.” A self-satisfying grin settles on his face as he rests his arm on the back of his chair.

“Alex is already head over heels for this guy, Gilbert, I can tell. You don’t even have to hook him up, it’s done-”

“Excuse me, and who bought Jean here?” says Gilbert, which doesn’t stop Hercules as he continues speaking.

“Just give him another hour and another pint, and he’ll be sucking John’s face by the end of the night, I bet.” says Herc, smirking.

“Shut up, you horse fucker!” says Alex, just a tiny bit annoyed and very embarrassed that his friends can read him like a book. He’s got to prove them wrong in some way. “I don’t even need another pint, I’m going out right now.” says Alex, with his nose in the air, as he stands up and walks out of the door without spearing a glance at his friends.  _ Stupid,  _ **_stupid_ ** _! _

John is nowhere to be seen when Alex scans the front of the bar. He is torn between wanting to go back to his friends and continuing to look for John. Has he gone home? That would be weird. Has he gone home  _ with _ someone? Alex’s heart breaks just a little. He lets out a tut and decides to look for John walking to the alley just to the right of the bar.

A silhouette, that is unmistakably John’s, stood there with one hand shoved in his pocket and another holding a cigarette, alone, smoke puffing out of his mouth. Alex smiles to himself and says a quick thank you prayer. He walks slowly to John, making his footsteps obviously audible and greets him with a soft hi, so it doesn’t startle John. 

John turns around with a smile. “Alex.” he simply says. John doesn’t take another inhale of his cigarette; they keep smiling like idiots at each other, although John’s is charming - Alex thinks. Alex realizes that he probably should explain why he came after him, but he doesn’t say it. What would he say? He followed John out to prove his friends wrong by proving them right? It sounds stupid even in his head. “Do you want a cigarette?” says John, to break the silence.

Alex hesitates. “Yeah, ok. Sure.”

John pulls out a posh cigarette case from his jacket pocket and hands him a cigarette. Who even uses cigarette cases anymore?! But Alex doesn’t complain. He thinks it looks cool, it goes with him.

Alex fiddles with the cigarette for a second before putting it between his lips. John comes closer and cups his hand against the wind to light the cigarette with his lighter. His focused eyes seem to be blazing when he clicks the lighter and it illuminates his feature. John is so close Alex can see every bit of his face in HD despite the poor lighting and the lack of his glasses. He can see the dark, dark lashes now, and when John looks up and in Alex’s eyes, Alex can see his eyes - they are a perfect blend of brown and green. Hazel. They look divine. His skin looks warm and he wants to touch it.

John steps away, and suddenly Alex is hyper aware of the burning tobacco between his lips. He sucks the smoke in and immediately starts coughing. He takes the cigarette between his fingers and hears John chuckling softly. John rests a hand on his back as Alex tries to control his coughing fit.

“You don’t smoke, do you?” says John, crinkling his nose adorably.

Alex shook his head. His cheeks turning bright red. John lets out another laugh.

John lifts his hand from his back to take the cigarette from him. He lets the butt of his own cigarette fall to the ground and mars it with his shoe. Taking a long inhale from Alex’s cigarette, he lets the smoke out through his nose dramatically facing away from Alex.

Alex is aware that he is practically gawking at the man standing before him, but he can’t stop.

“I could learn to.” says Alex, smiling.

“I’d suggest you not to. Not a good habit.” says John, crinkling his nose again. He does that a lot - Alex notices.

“Why do you smoke then?”

John just shrugs in reply.

“I’ll let you finish your cigarette.” says Alex, moments later, turning around, intending to get back inside.

“Alex?” calls John from behind before Alex goes too far.

John is smiling mildly when Alex turns around. John walks up to him lets the cigarette fall without giving it much attention, and rests a hand gently on his waist. Alex shudders.  _ Forward _ . A hand cups his cheek as they both chuckle - John sweetly and Alex hesitantly. And before Alex is ready, John presses his lips on his. Those soft,  _ soft _ lips.

Alex doesn’t realize when he closes his eyes. He sucks in a deep breath through his nose and lets John open his mouth and push his tongue in. 

John smells of tobacco and beer and his cologne, and tastes like iron in his mouth in contrast to his tender lips, but his tongue is warm, and his kisses slow and soft. Alex loves the combination. It’s new, it’s special. It’s lovely.   
He melts into the caresses of his tongue and tries to chase it as John pours warmth into his mouth.

Alex can’t tell how long they continue, but when John breaks the kiss they are both panting softly. Their eyes lock and they laugh again. Alex misses the warmth already.

When John let’s go of him, Alex finds it hard to suppress the whine for the loss of touch making John chuckle.

“We should get inside.” says John, taking his hand. His touch is warm. Everything about him is warm – Alex decides.

 

...

 

They kiss again few hours later, before they say goodbye. This one doesn’t last very long like their previous kiss, as their friends start making comments that would make people stare at them disapprovingly if they weren’t standing in front of a bar, but it was long enough to involve that brilliant tongue. Just a little. Alex can feel him smile between kisses; he can’t help but mirror the expression. Several pecks later, John opens his eyes and looks him in the eye, a playful look, and whispers, “Goodnight, Alex.”

“See you again?” says Alex, a bit hesitant.

John chuckles sweetly. “See you again.”

“Bye.” says Alex, pecks on his cheek.

John turns back smiling more than once as he and Gilbert start walking and Herc and Alex take a taxi. Alex can’t tell if he still turns even after the get on the texi.

Hercules pesters him all the way to their shared flat, and Alex can’t help smiling like an idiot.

“Did you ask him out?” asks Herc.

That’s when it hits him. He didn’t get his number. He panics for a bit before Hercules says, “Dude, relax, just text Gilbert, he’ll give you his number.” Astounding how his brain absolutely stops working rationally when he panics. 

He texts Gilbert asking if it is okay for him to get John’s number. Gilbert texts back with just one winky smiley face.

“The fuck!” He swears out loud. “That git.”

His text alert goes off the next second.

 

 

Alex smiles.

 

He spends the next half an hour planning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not edited. And I am a sick mess right now, so you might find a lot of mistakes there and I am sorry for that. Just point them out if you like. And please let me know if I should add any warning tags or anything.
> 
> And not wearing your glasses when you need them is bad kids.


	3. Half Empty

_Present day_

 

It’s empty, the apartment. Half empty.  
Alex stands up and walks out of the bedroom. Empty.  But John didn’t take much with him - just his clothes, shoes, his laptop, his papers and stuff… what else did he take? Why is the apartment so empty? 

John’s stuff are everywhere he looks.  
But they are not John’s, are they? They are all Alex’s. Only Alex hasn’t realized before that they were  _ his _ . But John has taken a thing of his that matters the most.

John always bought the DVDs for them. And the books. The food. The beer. All the things to decorate the apartment. All the things they have collected throughout the years - the things  _ John _ has collected. John has left all that.

Alex only bought flowers. Because John loved flowers. Loves flowers still. Only Alex can’t buy them for him now.

 

There must be something he can do. What day is it? What time? How long has be been sitting on the bed? He can’t remember if he has work. There is a window. He doesn't look at it.

He walks to the sink - there must be something to wash. But it’s empty. John has washed all of them before leaving. He usually washed them. It’s no surprise he did the same before leaving. He did do everything for the past week like nothing had changed.

Maybe it hadn’t for him.

Alex stares at the empty sink. He can't take his eyes off it. Turns on the tap and holds his hand under the flow. And stares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writing is messy because Alex is a mess, it's to set the mood without describing much.
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated.  
> Happy Women's Day!


	4. A Bouquet of Newfound Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for Google translate French.

_ 3 years ago _

 

A bouquet of colorful daisies awaits John at the door- wait what?  
When the moment of initial shock passes, the bouquet slides smoothly to the side to reveal Alex's grinning face.

"Brought you… um- flowers." says Alex, awkwardly, handing it to John.

John smiles shyly and takes the bouquet from him, keeping it at a measurable distance. He can't stop smiling at the gorgeous flowers and Alex can’t stop grinning at the gorgeous man standing before him. When John finally looks back at Alex, he is smiling hesitantly at him.

"Thanks." John manages to say. "Sorry, I can't smell them right now... allergic to pollen. But I love-"

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he sees Alex's face turn into a horrified expression as he snatches the bouquet from John's hand and jumps several feet away from him in a flash. The scene and the horror in Alex's face are almost comical. John can't help blocking his mouth with his hands to muffle the laughter. "Alex... relax. It's nothing serious. I sneeze and stuff. And I'm good as long as I don't take them too close to my nose."

John advances with his hands in front of him to grab the bouquet. Alex frowns and takes a few steps backwards. “Are you sure? I don’t want you getting sick for my stupidity. Fuck, I should’ve asked- I’m such an idiot. I can throw them- “

“Alex, it’s okay.” says John, extending his hands. “I love them, don’t throw them away. Now give them back so I can put them in a vase.”

Frowning still, Alex hesitates. “I’ll bring them in.” 

“Okay, as you wish.” says John, with his hands in the air, surrendering, and steps aside. “Come on in.”

Of course Alex finds Gilbert sitting on the couch in the living room; a smirk visible on his face like he has just own a bet.

“What are you smirking at?” Alex spits as he waits for John to return with a vase.

“Good evening to you too.” Gilbert smirks even harder, eyeing his outfit.

Alex narrows his eyes playfully. “Stop checking out other people’s men.”

“Ha! That’s a bit forward, isn’t it?”

“ _ Mange de la merde _ , Lafayette.”

Gilbert just chuckles and goes back to scrolling through his phone as John returns with a vase half filled with water. He sets it on the table in front of the couch and lets Alex get the flowers out of the wrapper and bend to put them in it. John sighs happily looking at the daisies.

“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” says John before pecking Alex on the cheek.

Blushing, Alex looks down at his feet. Gilbert lets out a ‘huh’ from the couch, enjoying the show, and Alex shoots him a death glare.

“Take your boyfriend out first, kill me later,  _ _ .” says Gilbert, without taking his eyes off the screen. 

Alex gasps a little. What if John panics and refuses to date him. It’s their  _ first _ date for Christ’s sake! They are not boyfriends yet! Of course, Alex would like to be his boyfriend. But what if John doesn’t? What if he think it’s too early? “I’m not- I didn’t…” Alex stammers, his eyes wide, looking up at John. If he ever recovers from this, he is going to kill Gilbert. “Gilbert, you little shit.” he hisses, staring at Gilbert. 

He lifts his glare as John chuckles - such a sweet sound that is - and places a hand on his back again. Oh that is soothing. Alex relaxes under the touch. It's warm.

"Relax, Alex." He says that a lot - Alex decides. "Am I dressed ok for where you're taking me?" John asks to distract him. 

Alex looks at him properly - John is wearing a sky blue shirt that is tucked in his dark blue jeans. His hair neatly tied in a bun. Simple, yet elegant. John is elegant.

"You look fantastic." says Alex, bedazzled.

"Knowing Alex..." Gilbert stands up lazily, sighing and walks to John. He starts tugging at the end of his shirt and pulls it out of his jeans. John's hand drops from Alex's back in the process.

"Hey!" John protests.

" _ Now _ you're ok for where he's taking you." says he, brushing his shirt in an attempt to straighten the end of it.

"Don't just  _ assume _ where I am taking John." says Alex, a bit annoyed, or maybe even a little jealous of him.

"You're taking him to your favorite Indian restaurant, aren't you?" Gilbert almost sounds bored. Alex blushes. "I'm hardly ever wrong." says Gilbert, tapping Alex's nose with his thin pointer finger and walks out of the room, heading to his bedroom.

"Not true!" Alex yells behind him.

"Dieu, Monsieur Punchline…" Alex hears Gilbert say from the other room.

…

It’s easy to talk to John - Alex finds. Easy. He listens intently and laughs easily. He puts his fork down and gives him his full attention when Alex talks about his job, then tells him about his job at the zoo. When Alex’s jaw drops after hearing how exciting his job is, John laughs and promises to take him for a tour one day.

Alex soon finds him relaxing, the awkwardness vanishing. John spreads a comforting aura. He looks beautiful in the yellow-ish light of the restaurant. It feels like he is singing when he talks and Alex loves it. His voice is music. And Alex falls.

They stumble into Alex’s bed that night after they get back from dinner. Hercules, having taken the sign, flees to Gilbert’s apartment. 

John’s body is liquid and he lets Alex drink it. He knows just where to touch and when to smile. Alex is floating in water and John’s voice sings a song. He loses the sense of where or who he is for a moment. All he can do is feel his lover.  He has never felt this… beautiful.


	5. Turned to Ash, Matching the Sky

_ Present Day _

 

Alex wakes up to the sound of thunder. It is not very loud but it still makes him shudders slightly. He doesn’t like thunder. Or rain. Or cold for that matter.

He is shivering. Lying on the bed with no blanket was a bad idea. Grabbing the bed sheet, he sits up and wraps it around his frame. He feels small. He is not fond of the feeling. Not when there are no strong arms wrapped around him.

It is gloomy outside, Alex observes as he looks out through the glass window. The sky lights up every now and then and the murmur of thunder follows. It can’t be later than afternoon, but it looks like the sun is setting already. The scene is mesmerizing. Alex hates it. But he can’t stop looking, he is spellbound. He closes his eyes and tries to focus on the pitter-patter of the rain; it’s soothing somehow, but there’s still an unknown pain in his chest. He never liked rain before.

A sharp noise breaks his concentration. His phone is ringing. He doesn’t want to pick it up, he’s not sure if he can form any word. Stretching over the bed he picks the phone up from the bedside table. He doesn’t check the caller ID.

“Hello.” says he, out of habit, his voice is smaller than he meant it to be.

“ _ Alexander _ ,” came the familiar French accent from the other side. “ _ How- how are you _ , mon cheri?”

“I’m fine.” says Alex automatically, clearing his throat.

There’s silence for a moment. “ _ Do you want me to come over? _ ”

“I’m fine, Gilbert.” Alex repeats. He finds talking - something he does way too much - hard right now. He feels like his tongue is in a knot and his jaw won’t move much without effort. 

There’s a long pause on the other side and then a sigh. “D’accord…  _ if you need anything, anything at all, do not hesitate to call,  _ bien _?” _

“Yeah, a’right.” says Alex, sighing, and disconnects before Gilbert can say anything else.

 

He isn’t going to call his friends. He wants to be alone right now. 

That is not wholly true. 

He wants to be with John, wants those strong arms around him, wants him to murmur sweet nothings in his ear, keep him warm, and get him through this wretched weather.    
The rain doesn’t seem to stop.

 

He presumes John let Gilbert know, probably Hercules too. He doesn’t want to imagine how the conversation went. He curls up on the bed instead. The sound of the rain is deafening. He should turn on some music. The idea doesn’t seem appealing. So he listens to the rain instead and starts shuddering with discomfort. He lets his eyes fall shut and curls in on himself, thankful to have the bed sheet now, and tries to fall back to sleep. It’s not as easy to shut his brain off as closing his eyes, it takes some time. Hours later, he finally feels exhausted and drifts off to sleep. He doesn’t dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention this - the title of the fic is from the song _I Got Lost In His Arms_  
>  Confession: I always listen to Jonathan Groff's version of the song :')


	6. Let The Rain Sing You A Lullaby

Alex shivers with every grumble of the thunder and scoots a bit closer to John every time, though there is practically no space left between them. His grip on John’s shirt grows tighter. A short, involuntary whine even leaves his mouth. Though they are drowsy in the cold morning, he is sure John is noticing; he can’t possibly miss the thumping of his heart which is trying to rip out of his chest.

He has buried himself in the comforter so John can’t see anything but the dark mess of his hair.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” John’s voice is liquid, honey, soothing, warm. His touch is warm where he is rubbing his thumb on Alex’s white knuckles. His breath is warm where he kisses on the top of his head.

Alex nuzzles John’s side and groans sleepily, eyes still closed. John smells nice. He smells kind of milky, kind of like human flesh, kind of like John.

John has his own odor and Alex loves it.

He sniffs. Takes a long breath, trying to breathe him in and block the rain outside.

John brushes his hair away from Alex’s face so he can see him when he cranes his neck. “Hey?” he says softly.

Alex slides up a little so he can bury his face in the crook of John’s neck. “I hate rain… storm… thunder. The cold it brings.” His voice muffled.

“I think rain is kinda romantic. Tranquill.” There a touch of liveliness in his tone. Alex giggles. “ _ Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. The rain makes still pools on the sidewalk. The rain makes running pools in the gutter. The rain plays a little sleep song on our roof at night. And I love the rain.”  _ Alex hears his baritone voice rumble smoothly as John says the words into his hair. “Langston Hughes.” He presses another kiss on his hair. Alex finds a faint smile on his face. He rises up on his elbow and kisses the man soundly. 

When they break, John’s face takes a serious posture. “Seriously though, Alex, why do you hate the rain?”

The smile fades. Alex drops on the pillow, facing John. He doesn’t want to talk about it. But they are in that stage of relationship where they get to know each other by sharing stories. So he does tell him the story. The story of how his town was demolished by the hurricane, how he had lost everything, how scared he was. “Rain… it brings back the memory. It feels… not good.” Alex shivers. 

John is rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone, his expression intent, he is looking into his eyes. He is quiet for a long time after Alex finishes, just stares into those warm eyes.  Alex doesn’t retreat his gaze. It’s comfortable, it’s easy. Doesn’t feel weird, this shared silence. He could stare into those hazel orbs all day and not get distracted by anything, like it’s the most interesting thing to do in the world.

John hums at some point. He finally opens his mouth to say something. “Then let me make new memories for you.” And suddenly John is hovering over him, placing soft kisses all over. “And erase the old ones. Cause you’re missin’ out, baby.” He murmurs between kisses. “Remember of my hot whispers in your ears when the wind blows again.” he whispers in his ears and Alex shivers.  “Remember of the sloshing of my lips on yours when the rain pitters-patters on your window.”  An open-mouthed kiss. “Remember of the groans when the clouds collide and grumble, and of the way I make you scream when the thunder is too loud.”

Alex’s eyes are hooded, his pupils blown wide, and he is unable to utter a single word. He lies limp under John, awestruck. The pitter-patter of the rain feels soothing.

“Can you do that, baby? Can you do that for me? I want you to do that. ‘Cause you’re missin’ out. Rain is beautiful. Rain is tranquility.” He continues, holds and kisses Alex at the right places with care, so tenderly, as if he was breakable, as if John was cherishing his body, so soft are his touches. “ _ I am the rain gently patting the rooftop. The drop sliding down your window. I glide past the glow of your lamp. Clinging to the warmth of your fingertips as they press against the glass… _ ” he doesn’t finish the poem; Alex doesn’t know the poem but he can tell it’s unfinished. “Let me teach you to love rain. Let me show you how rain feels… good.”

 

* * *

 

_ Losing grip,  _ _   
_ _ I slip away. _

Alex reads the poem again. Remembers John. It’s raining outside. It doesn’t feel good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first bit is like three months into their relationship and the last bit is present day.  
> The last poem I found somewhere on the internet, it's by Christy Ann Martine.
> 
> There might be a lot of mistakes, it's not edited. I'm super tired, have headache, but it is raining outside :)


	7. Lost In The Nothingness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me."_
> 
> ...
> 
> He cannot sleep.  
> He wants to sleep.  
> He has to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if there should be any sort of warning here. If there should be, please let me know and I'll add them.

He cannot sleep. 

He stares up at the ceiling. 

But he is so tired.

 

There was a missed call from Washington last time he checked the phone. His boss. He ignored his boss’ call. He had switched the phone off after that because it kept ringing… because he knew none of them would be from John.

It’s not like John asked him not to call. He  _ could _ call him. But he doesn’t think John would appreciate it. But John never raised his voice at Alex. It was Alex who did the shouting. Shouting enough for the both of them. 

He just wants to  _ sleep _ .

But someone is knotting something in his head and it hurts. There is a scratching sound. And the memories won’t stop flooding. So he gets up. It’s dark outside and the rain has stopped. Alex doesn’t know how he feels about that anymore. He goes to the kitchen and gets a tall glass of water but is able to drink only a little. He doesn’t feel the necessity to put the glass back where it was.

He goes to the bathroom next, his pace slow and almost lazy. Almost robotic. His limbs are heavy. Washes his hands. Twice. Stares at his own reflection in the mirror without really seeing anything. Feeling nothing.  


He has to  _ sleep _ .

_ Someone stop my  brain.  _

He opens the medicine cabinet. Three… four pills. Goes back to bed.


	8. With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the tags for trigger warning.

_Two and a half years ago_

 

"Alex?" John calls before swinging the door of Alex's apartment open.

It doesn't take him long to find Alex. Alex is sitting on the sofa in the living room with his work laptop open on his lap and frantically typing.

"Baby, why didn't you reply to my texts? I've been so worried. And I've been calling for ages, why didn't you pick up?

Alex looks up at him, his eyes bloodshot and wide, lips slightly parted, as if only registering John's presence. "John?"

Frowning, John advances toward the sofa, worried, repeating the question, "Alex, why didn't you pick up the phone?"

Alex looks around for a bit. "I don't know where my phone is." he mumbles.

"What?"

"I don't know where my phone is." he repeats.

"What do you mean you don't..." John walks into the bedroom in search for his phone. He takes out his own phone and hits the call button. He can hear Alex's phone ringing, but it's faint - a different ringtone for John's number. The Cuppycake Song. He smiles and retrieves the phone from under one of the pillows on the bed. He declines the call and it opens on a news article. John reads the title, sighs, and goes to the home screen - a picture of the two of them looks back at him, a selfie taken on a sunny day while walking, John's arm around Alex's shoulder and his lips pressed to his temple, sun glare over their faces. John lets out another long  sigh and goes to the living room. Putting the phone on the small table in front of the sofa, he sits beside Alex, slowly massaging his shoulders - John knows he needs it as Alex has returned to typing. He kisses his temple. "Have you had dinner?" He sees Alex's glance dropping to the corner of the laptop to see the time.

"No."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"I had... bread." he says after a few moments, never stopping his hands and ignoring his question.

"Like for breakfast?"

Alex simply shrugs.

"Right." John stands up. "Is spaghetti okay?" He doesn't get an answer for that, so he keeps on walking towards the kitchen. "Dunno about you, but I'm _starving_."

Hercules is on holiday at his parents', so they have the apartment to themselves. John knows he had stocked the kitchen before going because they all know how careless Alex can be. John cooks quietly.

 

A plate is shoved under Alex's nose and it smells nice.

"Please?" John says.

Alex looks at him - John is smiling. Alex can't say no to that. He simply takes the plate and puts his laptop down on the table in front of him without closing it. He eats as fast as he can, shoving the spaghetti in his mouth and is finished when John is only halfway done, and holds the empty plate in front of John - making sure he sees that he has eaten all of it - while still chewing on the spaghetti in his mouth.

"Wow. I don't think I've ever seen you eat that fast." says John, taking the plate from him and putting it on the table to take it back to the kitchen when he is done eating. He sighs when Alex takes the laptop back and starts writing again and he realizes why he hurried to finish his dinner.

John takes both of their plates and brings Alex a glass of water, who takes it without any protest.

"Do you mind if I stay over?" he says.

"Why would I mind?" Alex mumbles without looking up.

"Hmm." John goes back to sit beside Alex and checks his Instagram for a while. "What are you writing?"

"It's the... a... an article."

"Do you have a deadline?"

"Hm."

"When?"

"Two days from now." He looks at the date and time again. "Sorry, one."

"What's it about?"

"About... about what happened." he says, finding it hard to multitask.

"Let's go to bed, it's pretty late. You can finish it tomorrow." he says, changing the subject.

"No. You go ahead. I'll be there. I have to finish this before I forget something I want to add."

John thinks for a moment. He does have work tomorrow. "You sure?"

"Of course."

"'kay. Goodnight, baby girl." John presses a kiss on the top of his head before going  to bed.

 

He wakes up in the middle of the night to find the other side of the bed still empty. He goes to the toilet before going to the living room. Alex is hunched over the laptop still.

"Alex..." John's voice is a little whiny. "You can't still be writing that thing, it's 3:15 in the freaking morning."

"I am. I wrote the whole thing, then edited, then it turned out to be 53 pages long, but obviously they can't have that so I'm compressing the whole thing while still keeping all my points."  Alex says in one breath.

John sighs and goes to kneel down in front Alex. He softly holds his wrists, stopping them. "Come to bed. Please. You need to sleep. Your eyes look like they are going to bleed."

"That's just because I took out my contacts." Only after it leaves his mouth is when he realizes that that is even worse.

John's jaw drops in surprise. "Why would you do that!"

"Th-they were irritating my eyes."

John takes a breath. "That's it." He takes his hands away to put the laptop away from Alex's lap, setting his jaw. He saves the document and shuts the computer down.

"What the fuck are you doing? I need to work, John!" Alex reaches out for the laptop.

"No. You need to _sleep_."

"I have to- I have to write it all- I can't sleep before I do that." Alex is fuming at this point. He draws back. Closing his eyes, he lets out a breath, trying to compose himself. "I need my pills..." he hisses before he gets up to walk into the bathroom. His whole body is sore and his legs are wobbly.

John follows him into the bathroom. "What pills?"

"My pills... meds for my allergies... they knock me out." he says as he fumbles with the bottles, he can't exactly see the labels without his contacts. "Otherwise I can't sleep. Either I can't sleep or it's unrestful or... fucking... nightmares. Fuck, sometimes I feel like shooting my brains out just so I can rest. Seeing as you won't let me finish the thing and get it all out... I need my pills. Where the _fuck_ are they?!"

John holds him by the shoulders and turns him towards him. "Alex, look at me." He repeats when Alex doesn't. "Look at me, baby. We are all upset about what happened in Orlando."

Alex keeps staring at him for a while. "I'm not upset... I'm _mad_. It's not right." John pulls him in for a hug as an involuntary sob leaves his mouth. "It's just not fucking right. How dare they..."

Minutes pass and Alex's crying subsides. John is quiet. Alex likes him like that. "John, please give me my pills. I want to sleep."

"No... no, Alex, you don't need pills. You're with me."


	9. Sleep and Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again. Check the tags before reading please.

_ Present Day _

 

It is the sound of someone calling his name that wakes him up. 

Or is it the shaking? 

Someone is shaking him. He wants to tell them that he is awake. But the person is so far away. Their voice is coming from afar. He produces a short, tiny sound after trying very hard, and his eyelids are lead. 

He wants to stop the person but he cannot move his limbs. He is paralyzed but it is cozy.   


_ Stop -  _ he wants to say. But the voice keeps calling him, shaking him.  _ What?  _ \- he wants to ask.

The voice stops after a while, allows him to go back to sleep.

…

The room is way too bright for his liking and he squints, tries to slide back under the blanket, but someone grips his hand and he blinks his eyes open to see his friend, Eliza Schuyler, looking down at him.

“Alexander Hamilton, you fucking dickhead! How dare you?!”

Alex squints again and his hands automatically cover his ears.

“Eliza, please.” says another voice softly. The bed shifts as he sits down on it, nudging Eliza away. “He’s still sensitive to sound. Get the curtains, will you please? He is struggling to keep his eyes open.”

“Oh I will get the curtains alright, so I can strangle him and get away with it.” Eliza is fuming.

“Eliza, please.” he repeats. Eliza does pull the maroon curtains and the room goes a little darker. “Hey, Alex, can you see me?” 

Alex opens his eyes and looks at him.

“Can you recognize me?”

Alex frowns. “Of course I can recognize you, you moron.” His voice is groggy and his mind fuzzy around the edges.

“It's just because you weren't-" He frowns. "What’s my name?”

Alex huffs and covers his eyes with his arm. “Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de motherfucking Lafayette.”

Gilbert turns to look at Eliza and grins. “He’s back.”

“Yeah and I'm about to send him right back.” she says.

“Please shut her up.” Alex hisses to Gilbert.

“No. And I will shut _you_ up forever if you don’t explain yourself right now.”

Alex groans as he, after much struggling, sits up. “What’s with all the death threats? Aren’t you supposed to be the nicer Schuyler sister?”

“Seriously _,_ Alex , why would you do something like that?” Gilbert cuts in.

“Oh we know why he did it. I want to know _how_ _could_ he do it?!” Eliza spits.

“Eliza, you need to calm yourself. You are not helping. I called you, not your sister or Hercules, because I didn’t want people to react the exact way you are reacting right now. I can’t take care of him if you don’t calm down. Then I will have to deal with you first.” Eliza looks at her feet. “Come here.” Gilbert holds her hands. “ _ Mon ami _ , I know how you are feeling, you’re angry, you feel betrayed, you’re worried, but you need to understand the situation.”

Alex stares. “Are you guys quite finished?” 

They look at him as though they had forgotten that he could hear them. And before they can respond, he gets off the bed and hops into the shower, shutting the door behind him.

“Alex.” Gilbert raps on the door slowly, trying hard to keep his voice from quivering with tension. “Alex, please, get out of there.”

“I need to take a shower, Gil, leave me alone for two seconds.”

“Oh…” he says in a tone as though he is just realizing that that is what people do in a bathroom.

 

Gilbert is alone in the room when Alex gets out with a towel wrapped around his waist. He had knocked on the door three more times in the last ten and so minutes and waited for Alex to reply and then sighed with relief.    
“I convinced Eliza to go home.” he informs as Ales digs through his clothes for something comfortable to wear

“Thank god. She is turning into - don’t look - turning into Angelica.” He throws the towel on the bed and puts the clothes on. He walks to the kitchen, Gilbert follows.

“She is just worried.” 

“I don’t see why she needs to be.” he says as he starts making coffee.

“Because she is your friend, of course she is worri-”

“No, I mean why is she mad at _me_ that... that he left. I’m assuming you all know. Or do you guys think I ended it?” he says, way too casually.

Gilbert is quiet for a long time. He is looking at Alex like he is a small baby animal who is hurt.

“What?” Alex is finally able to say.

“You don’t remember, do you?”

“Remember what? The last three years of my life? I wish I didn’t.”

“No. Last night.”

“Why? What happened last night?” he puts the coffee mug down.

“I found you sleeping… or faint…I don’t even know. You just  _ wouldn’t _ wake up. I mean I think you were awake at some point-”

“Get to the point, Gil.”

“Well I didn’t know what to do, so I called Eliza. She told me about the pills. She said you told her about it once but that you had stopped after… after…”

“Yes, I know. And remind me not to tell Eliza anything personal ever again.”

“Why?” Gilbert loses his temper a little and furrows his brows, but he is careful not to raise his voice. “So you can successfully take your own life next time?!”

Alex is glad he didn’t take a sip of the coffee or he would have chocked on it. “What?!”

“How many pills did you take, Alex? How long have you been sleeping?”

“Two…? Shit, I don’t know- I am not suicidal!”

“No? Because I think you could have just died, Alex. Eliza and I force fed you last night, which I don’t think you remember - thanks to the overdose of the allergy medicine fucking up your brain. And you are able to walk right now because we did so. You didn't have the energy to open your mouth, Alex! Or your eyes, for that matter. You kept making... noises... almost like whimpering. You weren't... in there!" The Frenchman gestures with his hands helplessly trying to find the right way to say this. "We decided we would take you to the hospital if you didn’t wake up by noon. We weren't even sure you were properly awake when you woke up today. Do you have any idea for how long you were asleep, Alex?!”

“No. Which is good 'cause the medicine did its work.”

“What?”

Alex turns away from him. “I wasn't trying to kill myself, Gil, I just wanted to sleep and forget.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too sick to edit. Sorry for all the typos and stuff.


	10. Little Lion

_ Two and a half years ago _

 

John has a tattoo. On his back, over the bulge of vertebrae where his neck disappears - just there. Alex loves licking it.

It is a lion cub. The little thing is lazily covering one of its eyes with its tiny paw, the other paw is curled beside its head, as though it just just woken up from a nap. The tattoo is positioned so perfectly that if the neck of the shirt settles at a certain place, it will give the impression that the cub is playing peek-a-boo. 

Alex opened his eyes this morning to find it staring right at him, and is now kissing it softly, circling it with his warm tongue and sucking on it.

This is the first time Alex has spent the night at John and Lafayette’s apartment.

John makes a pleasing sound deep in his throat. “I like waking up like this.” he mumbles, his voice heavy with sleep.

Alex hums and nibbles at it.

“You like the tattoo?”

“Very much.” Alex keeps his answer short, too busy worshiping the tattoo with his tongue. Minutes later he pulls back to admire his work, his added tint to the art. It’s pink, the tattoo and the skin around it. The hue is darker at places, and John’s pajama pants is tented. Alex smiles slyly. “What does the tattoo mean to you?” he asks as he slides his hand southwards.

John hums lazily. “I dunno. I sketched it. Thought it looked cool. Decided I would get a tattoo of it.”

Alex laughs. He expected an elaborate story behind it. “A little lion… How long have you had it?” He strokes on.

A tiny moan escapes John’s open mouth before he says, “Almost … three years now.”

Alex props up on his elbow to look down at his lover. “I love it.”

John lies on his back. “Of course you do,” pulls him down to kiss, “my little lion.”

The name sticks.

They face a very cross Gilbert when they stumble out of the bedroom almost every morning after that, Alex’s mouth still attached to John’s neck. Apparently the walls are very thin. 

John awkwardly gets his coffee and leaves with the promise of going out after work on Fridays.

They get dinner first that day. Then they go to a pub. And after three shots of tequila, they are grinding on each other on the dance floor. They barely make it to the toilet.

And as they lay in bed that night, covered in love bites and almost sober, Alex wonders.

“If I ever wanted a tattoo, would you design it for me?”

John smiles, his eyes closed. “Sure, babe.”

“What about matching tattoos?” he asks after a while.

“Hmm … I don’t think I want another tattoo.”

“No. You already have one.”

John opens his eyes and looks at him. “You want the little lion?”

“I mean… I’m not sure, but that’d be pretty cool, right?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Alex frowns. “Why not?”

“A tattoo is a permanent thing.”

“Yeah. So?”

“You might regret it. It’s not a good idea.”

“Why?”

Kissing Alex’s temple, John gets off the bed and goes to the bathroom. “It’s just not.”

Alex follows him to the bathroom and stands in front of him with his arms folded over his chest and frowning. 

“C’mere.” John has started the shower. He chuckles and pulls Alex under the spray of water. It’s cold against his warm skin. It reminds Alex of rain. But that’s okay because John is kissing him softly, and he is warm inside. John's hands find his waist and Alex gives in to the touch. He reaches up to pull John’s hair out of the bun and tangles his hand in the curls. Soon Alex’s back is pressed against the cold tiles, his legs wrapped around John’s waist as they both moan in unison.


	11. Touch Has A Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Touch has a memory. O say, love, say,  
> What can I do to kill it and be free?”
> 
> ― John Keats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kid you not about the meds.
> 
> TW - slight description of vomiting.

_ Present Day _

 

“When do you leave?” Alex asks, annoyed. He has a book opened in hand. He doesn’t even know what book it is. He picked the first one he saw and did not care to see the title. He hasn’t read a single line in the past forty or so minutes. As much as he loves his friend, he wants Gilbert to leave now; Gilbert, who probably has noticed that he has been staring at the first page for a long while now. Gilbert has spent the last two days waking a very drowsy and weak Alex up and feed him from time to time. The medicine has left Alex very weak, he did not have the energy to stand for a long time, his vision would go black when he stood up, and he would fall asleep on the sofa, on the floor, sitting at the table with his lunch. And the lack of will to be healthy took even more time for him to recover. It is not as though he does not want to be healthy, he is indifferent about it. He cannot see what's so wrong with being sick. Being able to sleep so much ... he likes that. But today, he is good. He took a shower without having to sit down every two minutes. He is not drowsy and was able to finish his meal without falling asleep.

Gilbert looks up from his phone. “Never. I talked to Washington.”

“What day is it?”

Gilbert looks at him that way again, like the owner of a sick puppy. “It’s Friday.”

“Does he need me? Washington?”

“No. He gave you a vacation that was long overdue anyway.”

“What? No!” He shuts his book. “I was planning to work today!” He was not. He did not know if he would be able to. He decided on the spot that he would try today.

“You need to relax.”

“I _am_ relaxed.”

“Let’s go somewhere.”

“Let’s not.” Alex hides his face behind the book. 

“How about a movie?”

“Don’t you have work today?”

“Sent my secretary to deal with my clients. The bride and groom can’t decided on anything together. They want totally different things. I think it’s a miracle they  _ agreed _ on marrying each other to be honest.” Gilbert laughs at his own joke.

Alex doesn’t.

Gilbert hesitates. “Drives me up the wall anyway. Maria can deal with them. What about the club? I’ll call Herc. We can go after he gets off work. Should I call the Schuylers too?”

“Yes, call everyone and leave me alone.”

Gilbert does not say anything now. But around eight, he drags him into the bedroom, makes him put on some nice clothes and then pushes him out of the door. 

Gilbert orders beer for the both of them. 

“No, scotch for me.” Alex tells the bartender.

“But you love beer.” he says, confused. That’s what they always order.

“Fine, beer _ and _ scotch.”

Gilbert bats his hand away when he takes out his wallet. Hercules and the eldest Schuyler sisters, Angelica and Eliza, arrive before they get the drinks. Eliza hugs Alex and whispers in his ear, “I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Apparently no one except Gil and Eliza know about the state they found Alex in.

Alex gives a slight nod. “Where’s Peggy?”

“She has a date.”

“Little Peggy is ditching us for dates. I feel old.” says Gilbert.

 

Gilbert and Angelica send the others to find a booth and stay behind to get the drinks. Alex chugs the scotch as soon as it arrives and then coughs for a while; it burns his throat but it’s the most he has felt all week; the intensity of the burn makes the numbness go away for a bit.

Gilbert pats his back. “Slow down, tiger.” He chuckles.

“Lion.” Alex corrects him absentmindedly, and takes a long gulp of his beer.

An hour later there are two empty mugs and four empty glasses in front of him. Then of course he has to go to the toilet.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Gilbert asks as Alex stumbles his way out of the booth and the rest of them look at him with worried eyes. 

Alex just raises his hand in answer.

“I shouldn’t have let him drink so much.” Alex hears Gilbert say with a sigh.

Alex can’t remember how he got here but he is on the dance floor now. He is swaying to the rhythm. Sweaty bodies are rubbing against him, he doesn’t care to know who they are. His eyes are closed as he throws his hands in the air. When he opens them, there is a tattoo peeking out of the t-shirt of the owner of a curly bush for hair, beckoning. Ink on the honey toned skin of his neck which is glistening with sweat in the dim light. Alex swims through the crowd to him, turns him around and pulls him down. The man is devouring him as he pushes his tongue into his mouth, clutching his waist firmly as he grinds against him; and Alex lets him, clutches his hair, keeping him from drifting afar. 

He has to hold on. 

He tastes metallic. Smells of alcohol and sweat. He has sharp teeth which dig into Alex's lower lip. His skin is rough and hairy where Alex touches him. Alex's other hand slide down to where the tattoo is. It’s not a lion cub. He can’t see what it is. He doesn’t remember what he saw, but it’s not a little lion playing peek-a-boo.

It's not the tattoo. It's not him.

He leans away. The man lets go of his waist. Alex doesn’t have the time to see the confusion in his face, he has to get out. He runs out of the building and stops before what he thinks is Gilbert’s car. As soon as he stops, his knees buckle and he is on all fours. Thick acid is forcing itself up and out of his mouth. He coughs and his whole face is wet - sweat, tears, vomit, snot all mingled together.

He sits back on the filthy wet ground, leaning against the car. After a while he takes his phone out with shaky hands and calls Gilbert. 

Gilbert picks up in a second. “Alex, where did you go?” he says with urgency in his voice. “I’ve been calling for ages.”

“Please … Please!” Alex manages to sob out. He realizes he has been sobbing for some time now.

“Alex, where are you?” Gilbert’s voice shakes as he starts to run.

Alex looks around. “C-car.”

“I’ll be right there, Alex, just stay put. Hold on.”

And moments later Gilbert is there, so are the others. Gilbert crouches down in front of him, looking him up and down, taking in his pathetic form - his hair disheveled, face red and wet, eyes leaking as tiny sobs leave his open mouth, vomit that has run down his chin and landed on his chest where it has wet the shirt. “Oh, Alex...” he sighs. Eliza hands Gilbert a few napkins, with which he wipes his face, unbuttons his shirt and takes it off to leave him in his undershirt. He wraps his own jacket around Alex’s small frame. “Alex, can you walk,  _ mon cher _ ?” When Alex doesn’t answer, he asks again, tucking his hair - which has caught a bit of vomit as well - behind his ears, “Alex … Alexander, can you  _ walk _ ?”

“Can't …” Alex sobs again, his eyes clutching shut. “I wanna go … Can't- I wanna-” He coughs, retches, but nothing comes out except for an overflow of saliva which he spits out.

 

Alex can’t see what’s happening but he is moving. But he is not walking, he is not even upright. He opens his eyes to see Hercules’ face up close.

Hercules gently puts him down on the backseat of Gilbert’s car which was apparently on the opposite side of the parking lot. Someone puts a water bottle in front of him but he doesn’t know what to do with it. So the person, Gilbert, touches it so his lips and gently holds the back of his head with his other hand before slowly leaning the bottle up so the water enters Alex’s mouth. Alex automatically gulps it down, it bites his throat and he whines before he loses all energy. Gilbert helps him lie down on the seat.

“Are you sure you can handle him alone?” Hercules asks.

“Yeah, we can follow your car and help you at least until he goes to bed.” says Angelica and Eliza nods.

“No, guys, don’t worry about me. I believe I can take care of him. I think he would want to be alone anyway … I thought it would help ...”

“You were trying to help, Gil. Call if you need anything.”

And before Gilbert starts the car, Alex passes out.

He wakes up when Gilbert is struggling to get him out of the car. He sits up on his own and lets Gilbert take him up and into the apartment. Gilbert takes him straight to the bathroom, pulls his clothes off, leaving him only in his boxers. “Wait here a second. I’ll get a towel and clothes for you.” Gilbert leaves.

Alex walks a few steps and turns the shower on. The water is cold. It reminds him of the rain. 

The walls are not unfamiliar, but it’s not his bathroom. The tiles are sky blue.

The lazy lion cub waking up from a nap. Curly hair in a bun, and broad shoulders. Warm kisses. None of which is before him right now. Why is he reminded of these? What is this place?

He is cold inside. His chest tightens. His skin is cold. Like a fish in a tank. A fish that has been soaking for ages.

When Gilbert comes back in, Alex is fully wet, panting and shivering. “Alex!” Gilbert says, dropping the clothes and towel and goes to change the water temperature. “The water is freezing!” He pulls Alex away from under the spray and wraps the towel around his figure.

“W-where is this? Where … where 'm I?”

“This is my apartment, Alex. It was closer so I figured-”

“No…” he whispers.

Gilbert takes the towel away to get him under the shower and takes the shampoo in hand. The water is soothingly warm.

But his inside is cold.

He stumbles backwards and his back hits the cold tiles. “He … it’s his … his-” He hiccups “-room.” Gilbert goes to catch him as he starts to slide down along the wall. Alex clutches his arms and buries his face in his clothed chest. His clothes are wet and Alex sobs. “It’s his … it’s his!” He wails. And this time Gilbert fails to keep him upright and he falls to the floor, sits there, lets the water hit his face and mingle with his tears. Gilbert shushes him softly as he keeps whimpering and babbling.

 

Alex is not exactly conscious when Gilbert lays him down on his bed. Gilbert’s bed. He falls into an unrestful sleep. His breathing is labored at times, he frowns and he whines in his sleep. Gilbert shushes him again and again, petting his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know next to nothing about clubs. I apologize for any inaccuracies.


	12. Transparent

_ Two years and three months ago _

 

The first rays of the morning sun is streaming into the room through the window when Alex wakes up. He notices his breathing to be a little labored, that’s when he remembers that it was a dream, a troubled one, and not the sun, that woke him. Alex likes the white, semi-transparent curtains in John’s room; it lets the light in, like John, according to Alex. Transparent. Lets the light in.

Alex looks up to see his boyfriend sleeping peacefully beside him, one of his hands trapped under Alex’s head which he is sure has gone numb. The brown curls on his head are spread on the pillow like a dark halo around his head. His full, pink lips are slightly parted as he breathes through his mouth, the wet part of which glistens when Alex looks from the right direction. His skin spreads a golden aura as the warmth hits it. His irises move under the thin skin of his eyelid as Alex stares at the base of the eyelashes; he can see each and every one of them individually and he starts counting. He loses count after a bit and buries his face into the hollow of John’s neck in defeat, taking a long breath. He feels John stir after a while.

“Are you… smelling me, Alex?” asks John incredulously, chuckling a little that Alex feels more than hears. His voice heavy. Godly.

Alex’s lips are centimeters away for John’s neck, eyes closed against the brightness of the room, nostrils round and flaring every time he takes a deep  _ deep _ breath. Yes, he is smelling his boyfriend. No, he is not embarrassed to admit it to anyone. He is so hopelessly in love and he lets himself indulge.

He takes one last breath in before looking up at John and fluttering his long eyelashes a few times, trying to adjust to the light. And those doey eyes look at the hazel ones, his pupils contract slowly. “I like how you smell different depending on what time of the day it is or what you are doing.” He grins, pretty pleased with himself for feeling worthy of the knowledge.

John laughs, relaxed, soft voice, like liquid honey to Alex’s ears; his whole body vibrates, and he tightens his arms around Alex’s sleep soft figure and holds him close to him. “How so?”

“Like right now you smell kinda… milky, y’know, like I could lick your whole face. Like cream. Like  _ skin _ . When you come from your jogging, you smell musky. And after shower you smell fresh, like spring. You often smell like pancakes and…” Alex smells. “… new journals,” takes breath, “and tooth paste,” again, “and detergent and… you.” Alex places the softest kiss on his cheek. He finds himself unable to described it properly. “I don’t know which my favorite is.”

John has been listening with a small smile, just looking at his boyfriend lovingly. “You’re an idiot, y’know that? Idiot.” He chuckles.

“Ok if you’re expecting me to say something tacky like ‘I’m your idiot’, I’m not saying that.”

“I’m not.” Kissing his nose, John turns onto his side to lift Alex’s oversized nightshirt just a little under the cover and rubs soothingly. He told Alex once that he loved how soft Alex was in the morning. “And you smell like morning breath and our neighbor's cat that you wouldn’t stop petting yesterday.”

Alex gasps. “If I weren’t so comfortable right now I would hit you with a pillow, you ass!”

“I never said Max smells bad!” John said once he is able to control his laughter. “And I love Max.”

“Then you love me.” says Alex, smirking to hide his defeat, until he registers what he has just said, and his face falls. John has stopped laughing, his mouth is agape and he is gawking at Alex. His hand has stopped on Alex’s waist. “Shit…” Alex hisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited. Sorry for typos/mistakes.


	13. Numb

_Present Day_

 

“Come on, Alex, just a little, and then I’ll let you go back to bed. You haven’t eaten anything for a long time. Please, mon ami. Don’t do this to me.”

He opens his puffy and sore eyes. It itches where the tears have recently dried.

It’s raining again, the wretched weather; But it doesn’t make a sound against the window.

Gilbert is  holding a plate.

“What time is it?” his voice groggy.

“Almost 2pm.”

“Saturday?”

Gilbert nods, then helps him sit up when he sees him struggle. Alex leans against the headboard and sighs. His head is throbbing. Gilbert raises a fork with scrambled egg in front of him. As soon as the smell reaches his nostrils, he contorted his face and, closing his eyes, pushes Lafayette’s  hand away. “Water.”

Gilbert rushes to give him a glass of water, the whole of which he drinks. Gilbert raises the fork again. “Eat a little … as much as you can, then I will give you the medicine and you can go back to sleep.”

“I won’t … I won’t go back to sleep. And I don’t want meds.”

“Don’t you have a headache?”

“Hm.”

Gilbert is confused.

The pain is a distraction. It stops him from focusing on other things. He is glad it’s there. It is doing something even slumber was unable to do.

He takes a little bit of egg in his mouth. He tastes like … nothing. It doesn’t taste of anything at all. But Gilbert is a great cook. He gags a little at first, but gulps it down forcefully. Gilbert does not mind, he knows it’s not because of his cooking. And over the next half an hour, Gilbert feeds him one third of the egg on the plate. He offers toast, sausage, hot chocolate and all sorts of things - all of which Alex declines. “Just water.” he says. And at one point he is breathing hard from trying to gulp down the food and says, “I can’t, Gil, please. Not anymore.”

“It’s ok, _mon cher_. Thanks for eating. Now try to keep it inside. Don’t think about what you have just eaten.” Gilbert kisses his forehead and stands up. “Are you sure you don’t want medicine?”

“Positive.”

Gilbert leaves to put the egg in the fridge.

Alex needs to brush his teeth. He is in Gilbert’s clothes. He smells of his detergent. They are big and comfy. He does not want to leave this bedroom. He does not want to see the living room, the bathroom, or the kitchen, the table, definitely not the other bedroom.

“Sorry about last night.” Gilbert gets back.

“Why?”

“I thought meeting the others would help …”

“Can I borrow your laptop?”

Gilbert is surprised a little that the subject was changed so abruptly, almost as though Alex wasn’t even listening to him. “Yes, sure!” he answers quickly. He unplugs the charger and hands the to Alex, who browses for a while, reads a bit of today’s news, checks weather forecast, watches videos of it. Gilbert frowns, confused, when he hears the sound, a weatherman speaking. Then he continues to mindlessly watch videos. He keeps watching. It is apparent that it is hurting his eyes and probably making his headache worse, but he does not seem to care.

“Alex,” Gilbert says after a while. “I really need meet my clients today. Is it okay if Herc comes and stays instead of me?”

Alex looks up at him, his eyes blank. “But I don’t need a babysitter.” he says. There’s no hint of anger or annoyance in his voice. It’s just… blank. He is saying that genuinely.

“Of course, you don’t. But you are a little sick, _non_? Herc will be here so he can help if you need anything.”

Alex gets back to watching the weather videos again without answering.

He does not know how long it has been but Lafayette has gone and Hercules is here.

“Hey,  buddy, how you holding up?” he says, patting his shoulder.

“Good.” Alex says without thinking, looking up with the same expression. “How are you?”

Hercules smiles. “I’m great, Alex.” He flops on the bed beside him and peers at the computer screen where an educational whether video is playing but there’s no sound. He look back at Alex, who’s eyes are glued to the screen. “What are you watching?”

“Whether …”

“Do you want to do anything else? Watch a movie maybe?”

“No, I’m good, thanks.”

Hercules sighs, brings him a glass of water from which Alex take two sips before putting it down on the bedside table.

“Alex, you love to write, right?”

Alex does not answer.

“Why don’t you write something?”

“What?”

Hercules shrugs. “I don’t know… weather.” he says, casually pointing at the laptop on Alex’s lap. “Write about weather. Write down what you’ve learnt from the videos, what you’re seeing,” he says pointing at the window, “what you’d like the weather to be like..”

“Oh…” he simply says. Minutes later he opens a word document, it’s blank, mirroring his mind. What has he been watching? Weather videos. What did they all say?

He looks out.

 _It is raining still  -_ he writes.

 

“You keep writing, okay?” says Hercules after a while, even though Alex has written only one sentence. “I’m just gonna go pee”

The throbbing pain has shifted down to his neck, so he lies down to rest his neck on the pillow.

The room is empty. He cannot hear Hercules’ voice anymore, his breathing.

He’s alone.

His friends’ presence helped him focus on _now_ ; now and nothing else. and now that he was separated, Alex fell into the dark void again.

He closes his eyes and gives in to the darkness.

_Take care of yourself, won’t you?_

Echoes in his mind.

_It just faded away._

_We have a lion cub at the zoo. Somehow she reminds me of you._

_I love you._

_You don’t smoke, do you?_

“Fuck you, Laurens.”

Not an echo. Hercules. It’s Hercules’ voice. He is talking. To John Laurens.

To John.

 

Alex jumps to his feet; the action leaving his vision black for a second, but he doesn’t stop and frantically looks for where Hercules is. Hercules is found in the living room with the home phone pressed to his ear. Alex is slightly out of breath as he reaches Hercules. “Let me… please- Herc. It’s him, isn’t it?” he says as he tries to get the phone and his friend keeps it out of his reach.

Hercules furrows his brows, a little confused and a little afraid, as he listens to whatever is coming from the other side. “If you… if you hurt him again, I swear to God, Laurens.” He hands Alex the phone. “He wants to talk to you.” he says to Alex.

All of a sudden, Alex calms down and takes the phone slowly holds the it to his ear. He breaths.

_“Alex?”_

An echo.

Stepping back, he hits the wall behind him and slides down to sit on the floor. His mouth wide open, a silent sob, while his eyes leak like dripping wax. He jerks a few times, other than that he is completely still. Face flushed, hand clutching his chest to dull the pain in it. It feels ages before he takes a long breath in loudly through his open mouth.

_“Alexander, are you okay?”_

Hercules is by his side, his hands soothing against his arm. But it’s hard to breath. He hiccups. He wants to say something, he doesn’t know what, nor can he breathe properly enough to produce any sound. He has nothing to say.

_“Is that you, Alex? Are you okay?”_

The phone hits the ground and breaks into several pieces as he throws it. He  leans forward, falls flat on his face on the floor and lets out a scream. Doesn’t stop. Doesn’t stop shaking with the effort either.

What did he do? What on his part was wrong?

Does John have the answer?

Hercules tries to get him to sit up again but Alex wants to demolish the cement and lie under it. The cement feels damp against his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lafayette is that annoying mom who wouldn’t let you skip a single meal.


	14. Thick Curtains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this starts right after chapter 12

_ Two years and three months ago _

 

“Are you freaking out a little?” 

“A little, yeah.” Alex is frozen still. He has sat up straight in his panic while John leaned against the headboard leisurely.

“Why?” John says casually.

“‘Cause!” He breathes. “‘Cause that was a douchey move and you didn’t say anything…?”

John pushes his bottom lip out for a second before sucking it back in in a lazy manner. He blinks slowly. “You can take that back if you want.”

Alex moves a little, incredulous and a little annoyed. His eyes are wide. He takes a second. “For fu- why would I do that?” 

“If you didn’t mean it that way, you can take it back. I won’t mind.”

“People don’t do that, John...”

“People don’t say it like that to begin with, babe. Besides, who cares what people do.”

“Seriously? You’re not only leaving me hanging, you are really giving me the option to take something like that back?” His voice is a little sharper now.

“What do you want me to say?”

Alex chuckles humorlessly. “Un-fucking-believable...”

“Come on, Alex, we are not teenagers. Let’s keep drama to a minimum.”

“This- this is not drama! Are you just pulling my leg or are you  _ seriously _ being an ass?”

John laughs softly. “Well, if you won’t take it back... I’m guessing you love me too.”

Alex laughs nervously before relief washes over him, but he is still too unsure to relax properly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He smiles.

“Yeah? Yeah. I love you. I do.” Alex babbles nervously before pulling John into a hug. They laugh as they share soft kisses. 

“I love you too, baby.” says John.

Alex kisses him for a long time to distract himself from the sting in his eyes, holding him and leaving no space between them.  _ God it feels nice to hear!  _ And here he was doubting John. “What took you so long?” He straddles John properly and wraps his hands behind his neck to play with his hair.

John furrows his brows, thinking. “Dunno. Never really thought about it.”

“You didn’t?”

“Not really, no.” He shrugs. “Why? Did you?”

Alex chuckles like the answer was obvious. “Um, yeah! A lot.”  _ Duh. _

John is a little taken aback. “For how long?”

Alex laughs again and his hands drop to his sides. “I’m not telling you that!”

John looks down for a second. “Look, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve never said that to anyone before. And I’m not from a very affectionate family either, where we say ‘I love you’ every two second. In fact, never. We never say that.”

“No? Not even to your mother?”

“Not until she was on her deathbed.” Instead of looking down, John looks straight into Alex’s eyes, his jaw set. He sees Alex’s express shift from somewhat embarrassed and a little angry to sympathetic pity and sadness.

“John…” he whispers and cradles John’s face. Concerned. Empathizing. His thumbs brushing his freckled cheeks soothingly. He kisses him soft and slow, with care, before pressing his forehead against John’s; both of their eyes closed. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No…” John sighs, opening his eyes and gently setting Alex down on the mattress so John can get off the bed. “No. I need to go to work. It’s almost 7:30.” 

It’s not new, leaving conversations unfinished is not anything new for them. 

Alex’s gaze follow John as he  goes to the bathroom; minutes later, when he hears the water running, he follows John himself. He silently gets under the shower spray and wraps his hands around John’s middle, resting the side of his face against his chest. The warm water and the wet embrace is calming. John’s thin fingers slide into Alex’s hair to help the water wet it properly as Alex simply presses his lips to his chest.

“Move in with me?” says Alex out of the blue.

“What…?” John snorts and leans away enough to look at Alex without letting him go completely. “No baby steps?”

“Fuck baby steps.” says Alex, pulling John close again. “I was thinking about it; it’s only convenient. We spend most days together anyway. And it’s not that I don’t love wearing your clothes at home, but it looks really weird when I do the walk of shame the next day and so frequently. ‘Cause we’re not at that stage anymore.”

“So keep some clothes here.” says John as he applies shampoo with Alex still latching onto him.

“Then I’ll have so few options.”

“I’ll buy you more clothes.”

“I appreciate you trying to be a sugar daddy or whatever, but I’ll pass. Just move in with me, John.” Alex looks up at him, his big brown eyes eager.

John chuckles again as though what Alex has been saying is silly. He gently massages the shampoo into Alex’s scalp with his fingertips. “Does this shampoo affect your hair somehow? It’s for curly hair, you know?” It’s not the first time the shampoo has been applied on the wrong type of hair.

Alex leans away to stand a couple feet away from John, and stares, with white foam on his head, a little hurt but mostly angry.

John smiles and sighs. “And why is this place not an option?”

“Because… because Lafayette is bitchy about it.” Alex complains.

“And you think Hercules won’t mind?”

“One:” Alex counts with his fingers, “he is as good as dead when he’s asleep. Two: He has a girlfriend who he can move in with if he likes.”

Turning around and closing his eyes, John rinses his hair. “Would that be fair though? Making him move out of his own apartment?” he says casually. “Wasn’t it Hercules who first gave you shelter?”

John doesn’t get an answer for a long while. “Alex?” He turns around to find Alex looking down, frowning, his shoulders slumped, with his arms wrapped around himself. 

“I wasn’t a street dog.” His voice just above a whisper. “If you don’t want to move in with me, then don’t.” Alex shoves John away from under the spray of water to rinse his hair, and reaches for the washcloth, trying to finish washing as soon as possible.

John gently takes the washcloth away from him and gets the shower gel. He rubs it over Alex’s back first, then chest and belly from behind. Alex lets him; muscles a little tense still, eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry.” says John, kissing his shoulder. “That’s not what I meant. Didn’t mean to hurt you.” Alex breaths out; he believes John. “I don’t mind moving in with you, but moving out is such a pain in the ass. And I moved in here only months ago.”

Alex turns to face John. “But don’t you want to wake up together every morning and do this?” He gestures between them. “And- and feel like ‘yes, this is my place, this is not just temporary. I’m here with my boyfriend?’ And-and like you don’t have to decide where you want to stay tonight ‘cause you have a permanent place? Because I do, John.” John busies himself washing Alex’s limbs. “John? Don’t you?”

“Yeah, of course, I do. But I… I also enjoy a bit of space.” John finally looks up, looking guilty.

Alex’s mouth falls open as he stares at John with wide, unbelieving eyes. He yanks his hand away from John’s and washes off as best as he can before storming out of the bathroom.

“Al-” John starts but Alex is gone.

John gets out of the bathroom, towel around his hip, minutes later in relaxed pace to see Alex throwing on yesterday’s work clothes, fuming. “Look, Alexander, I’m just being honest.”

“No, that’s fine!” Alex says, mock enthusiastically. “It’s fine, because I was being honest too. I open up to you and you just be cruelly honest without any reason. That’s great! Nobody’s complaining.” 

John sighs, tired. He rubs his eyes with his forefinger and thumb. “Alex, what did I say about drama?”

Alex stops, shirt unbuttoned. “Why am I  _ always _ the one trying to move this relationship forward-”

“That’s not true.” His voice is calm.

“-and you are always there not as an instigator, but as a barrier? Like I’m always _ pushing _ you. I say I love you, you think that’s childish. I say move in with me, you say you need space. Do you actually want to be with me? No, don’t answer that.” Alex buttons his shirt and gets the belt.

“Of course, I wanna be with you. You’re overreacting, babe.” 

“Sure, I am, because I didn’t expect us to fight on the day I said that I loved you.”

“I said that too,” says John, gesturing with his hands in his frustration; more bored and done with the childishness than annoyed. 

"You did. But you wouldn't have if _I_ hadn't."

“What's that- where are you going, Alex? Your office gate doesn’t even open before nine.”

Alex marches out of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late update. Sorry if anyone was waiting.


	15. If I Showed You My Taped Heart

_Present day_

 

“ _Pour l'amour de Dieu_ , Hercules, I left you to take care of him, not to make him worse...” Gilbert says, rubbing his forehead, frustrated.

“I’m sorry. But it really wasn’t my fault that John called at the wrong time.”

“You could have talked a little less loudly.”

“I was just… mad, okay?”

“What did he want anyway?”

“He left some stuff at the apartment, wants them sent back. Said he tried your cell but it was probably turned off.”

“What stuff?”

“Don’t know. Never asked.”

“I’ll call him later.”

“What about this one though?” says Hercules pointing at Alex on the floor.

Alex has long since stopped screaming, but he is lying on the floor still, the side of his face pressed against the cold cement, his eyes are leaking silently. He has lost all energy. The tears pool around his face.

He is going around in circle.

Gilbert kneels down beside him. “Alex?” he calls softly as he gently holds the strands of his hair for a second to see his face before tucking them behind his ear. “Alex, I am going to pick you up, ok?”

Gilbert takes his arm and puts it around his own shoulder. Taking his waist, he stands up. Alex is not as light as one may guess from his slender build and height, and his unwillingness to stand up on his own didn’t help. Seeing Gilbert struggle Hercules comes to take Alex’s other arm around his shoulder. Together they half drag Alex to Lafayette’s bedroom and put him down on the bed as gently as they could.

“Get me a wet washcloth?” Lafayette says to Hercules. He struggles but gets Alex under the cover and tucks him in. “He’s not so light, is he?”

“You’re just out of shape, man.” Gilbert gasps. “Should have just let me do it.” Hercules emerges from the bathroom with a small washcloth, which Gilbert gently dabs his Alex’s face with. “I picked him up last night, remember? He’s not exactly a feather but still. Wasn’t hard.”

“ _Qui._ But I can’t go to the gym while I’m the only sensible friend who can take care of this one, can I?”

“Ok, don’t bite my head off. Said I was sorry.”

The cloth is cool against his warm skin and it’s soothing, refreshing. Closing his eyes, Alex lets out a sigh. Gilbert is a little taken aback. He stops for a second in shock before continuing. He wipes Alex’s palm and the underside of his feet. Alex does not open his eyes.

“What about Eliza? She’s sensible enough.” says Hercules.

Gilbert looks at Alex once; his eyes are still close and he doesn’t seem conscious, though Gilbert is sure he is not sleeping. But he doubts if he can register any of the things that they are saying. When Gilbert looks up at Hercules, his annoyance from before fades and turns into something that Hercules can’t quite put his finger on. Pity? Sadness?

“What? What’s wrong?” Hercules asks, confused.

His tone is not sharp when he says, “Eliza can’t be sensible around him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Haven’t you ever noticed? She is not the same with Alex.”

“Why?”

“It’s worse now. She-”

“Gil… Gil” Alex mumbles, his eyes still closed. His tongue pokes out to wet his lips. “Gil…”

Gilbert leans forward to brush Alex’s hair off his forehead soothingly. “Yes, Alex?”

“Can you shut the fuck up?” His voice raspy. He swallows dryly. “I keep waking up to you talking.” He turns slowly to lie on his side. “It’s fucking annoying.”

They both know it’s not Gilbert’s voice he wants to wake up to. Gilbert chuckles softly before Hercules starts, “You weren’t-” He stops when he sees Gilbert shaking his head at him. “Sleep well, Hami.”

Alex opens his eyes and frantically tries to sit up as Hercules turns to leave. “Gil!” he says with urgency. He makes a grab for Gilbert’s arm but fails. “Gil, Herc please! Don’t leave.” Hercules frowns as Gilbert leans over again to shush him and helps him sit up as he pulls Gilbert into a tight embrace, gripping the thin fabric of his shirt; the sudden shift scaring all of them. “Don’t let me be alone. Please…”

“We won’t, Alex, we’ll stay here. Right here.” Gilbert says.

Hercules comes to sit on the floor beside the bed, and brushes Alex’s thigh with his broad hand soothingly. Alex leans away after a while and puts his hand over Hercules’. He looks less bewildered now but a little scared still.

“Can I make you something to eat?” Hercules says, trying to help his friend, to feel useful and less guilty.

“No… no, I wanna sleep. I’m tired.”

* * *

 

Alex takes a deep breath before padding into the kitchen, Gilbert following behind. Hercules turns around with a dish in his hands. “I made pasta.”

As Alex’s eyes wander restlessly about the kitchen, a chain wraps around his heart and tightens itself. The memories flood in. Hercules’ voice helps as he struggles to focus on Hercules’ face. He finds his throat tight when he speaks. “Can I have coffee with it?”

Gilbert puts both of his hands on his shoulders as he guides him to sit on a chair. “It will keep you awake, _mon ami_.”

“Would you like hot chocolate?” Hercules offers.

Alex shrugs as Gilbert gets him a plate.

They eat in silence, except for a little chitchat between Gilbert and Hercules. The hot chocolate doesn’t taste as good as Alex remembers it but he needs something to help get the food down. He keeps his gaze fixed on the plate, careful not to let his eyes wander again. He clears his throat before he declares, “I want to go home.” He is glad when his voice comes out smooth and not hoarse.

Gilbert and Hercules stop eating for a second before they exchange a look and resume eating to make it seem normal. “You can stay here as long as you want, Alex.” says Gilbert.

“And my place, if you don’t… like it in here. Beth won’t mind, and we do have a spare room.” Hercules offers.

“No… no, thank you, but no. I want to go to my apartment.”

“...Now?”

“After dinner, I guess. Can one of you take me?” Alex says in a hesitant, small voice. “I can go alone too if you’re busy…” he adds hurriedly before they can answer,

“No, Alex, of course we’ll take you.” says Hercules.

“ _I’ll_ take him. Beth is waiting for you.” Gilbert says to Hercules. “Alex, are you sure you want to go there?”

“Yes.” Alex says firmly. “Better than here.” he mutters.

Gilbert knows better than to be offended.

“Why did he call?” Alex asks abruptly after a while. The other two again exchange a look, a little surprised and afraid as to how to reply. “Tell me the truth. I know he didn’t call to talk to me.”

“He said he left some things at the apartment that he would like to be sent back.” Hercules says, not meeting his eyes.

Alex nods. He doesn’t know what he left and what he wants, half the things in his apartment were bought by John.

But they were for _them_.

That’s what John said.

 

As Gilbert opens the door of his apartment for him, Alex wonders if anyone else can hear the sound of emptiness. There is a ghost of laughter in the darkness, of a soft raspy chuckle, that leaves him with a dry chest. And the first thing he does when Gilbert turns on the lights is scan the rooms looking for John’s things. Everything he comes across is his, is _theirs._ He searches the bedroom, the spare room, the living room, even the kitchen. It’s when Gilbert grips his hands he realizes that he is sweating and panting, his eyes are wide and he is babbling nonsense.

“Alex, stop...”

He looks up at Gilbert with frantic eyes. “What does he want back, Gil? These are all _ours_!”

“You don’t have to worry about it, Alex. I’ll take care of it. Let’s go get you ready for bed, ok?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.” Alex says before heading towards the bathroom. Before he gets the door, he says in a small voice, “Gil, will you stay? Please?”

“Of course, Alex, I’m here to stay. But I might need to go out for a while tomorrow. For work.” When Alex hesitates and starts absentmindedly scratching the doorframe, he adds, “I’ll call someone.”

Alex nods without meeting his eyes, but then gives him the tiniest smile before locking the door of the bathroom.

 

Alex timidly asks Gilbert to sleep on the same bed with him, and Gilbert stays. As he feels Alex stealthily pinching the corner of his short sleeve, the idea pops into his head. “I’m going to France for work soon. Come with me.”

Alex lets go of his shirt and turns to lie on his back. “I… I can’t. But thank you.”

“Why can’t you?”

“...Work.”

Gilbert rolls his eyes. “Washington made you take vacation, it won’t hurt to make it a real one.”

“Yeah but I haven’t got like infinite days off. I’ll have to go back. I really can’t afford to be fired right now.”

Gilbert laughs. “You really think Washington will ever fire you?”

“He won’t tolerate me taking advantage.”

“Alex, everyone knows you are his favorite. If he can tolerate your non-stop mouth, he can tolerate this. Besides, you deserve this. You work your ass off and you’re the best there. You deserve some time off. I think he will appreciate it even. I’ll call him tomorrow.”

Alex frowns. “You know it’s really weird how close my boss and my best friend are.”

Gilbert shrugs. “We’re family friends.” When Alex doesn’t answer, he says, “So? Will you come with me?”

“No. I want to stay here.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Gilbert tuts. “So that’s the truth.” he says sharply. He sits up abruptly and turns on the lamp on the bedside table before facing Alex who is sitting up with a confused look on his face. “You want to stay here and wallow in your misery? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you pushing yourself away from every opportunity to get over it, t-to distract yourself? Do you think being like this is helping you prove some point? Is not allowing yourself to get over this proving the strength of your feelings? Are you trying to show everyone how helpless you are?”

Alex stares at him for a while, frowning. He is hurt, angry, and frustrated as his eyes water, but he doesn’t let the tears fall. His voice breaks when he says, “I thought you, of all people, understood.” He slowly gets off the bed with his pillow and leaves the room.

 

Gilbert finds him curled up around a pillow in the bed of the spare room, turned away from the door. “Come now, Alex, I’m sorry. Come back to the other room, please.” He doesn’t get an answer for a long time. “Alex? Come on. Or do you want me to stay here?” He hears a hushed ‘go away’ before he sighs and leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:  
>  _Pour l'amour de Dieu_ \- For God's sake
> 
> pls don't hate Gil


	16. I Got Lost in His Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I got lost in his arms and I had to stay_   
>  _It was dark in his arms and I lost my way_   
>  _From the dark came a voice and it seemed to say_   
>  _"There you go. There you go."_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> \- 'I Got Lost in His Arms' from _'Annie Get Your Gun'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^ but really listen to Jonathan Groff's cover.

_ Two years and three months ago _

 

Alex finds John waiting outside of the office building; sky blue shirt tucked in, sleeves rolled up to just below the elbows, hair in a bun, and a cigarette between two fingers, looking away from the exit door. Alex stops mid-sentence while talking to his colleague, Aaron Burr. Hearing his voice, John turns around, smoke still coming out of his nose and mouth. As Alex paces towards John and they make eye contact, Alex still sulky and John smiling, Aaron stops.

“This is Burr. John.” Alex says to Aaron, carelessly gesturing towards John.

Extending a hand to shake with John, Aaron raises his eyebrows in slight confusion. “His boyfriend. I’m his boyfriend, John Laurens. Hi.” says John, taking his hand.

“Oh, right, John. Nice to meet you. He hardly ever shuts up about you.” Aaron says, pointing at Alex. John smiles and Alex shifts his weight uncomfortably. “Right then, I’ll leave you to it.” Aaron walks away biding goodbye.

“What are you doing here skipping work?” Alex asks grumpily, ignoring eye contact.

John smiles playfully. “I didn’t skip work. I’m the manager, I can leave whenever I want.”

“Shouldn’t take advantage of your position like that.” he mumbles, looking down at his feet.

“Look at me, Alex.” Alex doesn’t. “Please?” Alex looks up straight, seeing John’s chest in his line of vision, until John tilts his head enough to look into Alex’s eyes. “I will move in with you.”

Alex laughs bitterly. “You say you want space, you don’t text me all day, you don’t say sorry, just that you wanna move in? Just… don’t, John.”

John throws the butt of his cigarette into a trashcan and cradles Alex’s face. “I’m not just saying that, babe. I gave it a thought and yeah, you were right, it will be convenient.” he says, his voice gentle.

Alex slowly pushes John’s hands away and, stepping away, wraps his own hands around himself. He considers. At least John wants to live with him. Isn’t that what Alex wanted? Does it really matter how John came to decide that? “You said you wanted space.”

“Just forget I ever said anything. It was a mistake.” John smiles.

“You’re not doing this just because of me, are you?”

“Trust me… look, just… let’s do this, yeah?”

Alex cracks a tiny smile, yielding easily. “Really?”

“Really.” John shows his toothy grin and Alex jumps to hug him, throwing his arms around John’s shoulder and squealing as John yelps in surprise before laughing and hugging back tightly.

Alex pulls back after a while and starts blabbering as John looks at him intently, smiling softly, and brushing the baby hairs out of his face. “I’m sorry I was being a jerk this morning. If you want space sometimes, that should be fine, right? I mean we are dating, we are not, like, the same person or anything- we don’t have to be with each other 24/7. It’s okay to want personal time. Healthy even.” says Alex, not sure who he is trying to convince. “And the ‘I love you’ thing too, I was a jerk about that too. If you didn’t want to, you didn’t have to say that. It’s not like a phrase can affect what we feel for each other, right?”

John shook his head to dismiss the subject and cupped his face. “Just forget all that, ok? Let’s get dinner and we can talk about the date and stuff.”

They start walking as John takes Alex’s hand. “Well, I am free whenever you are, ‘cause I can get any day off. I haven’t taken a day off in like forever. Well, no, I did take a couple o’ days off when I got sick last winter. And the year before when I had, y’know, constipation  _ and _ the flu - thank god you weren’t there to witness that.” says Alex, chuckling with nervous energy. The smile on John’s face doesn’t fade away. “But haven’t taken any this year. I don’t think you can just skip your work if you want to though, can you? So why not start, like, on a Friday, and then we can bring the extra stuff on Saturday and unpack on Sunday.” Alex stops only for a second. “Actually, no, I’m rushing things ‘cause I want you home so bad. You won’t be able to do it on Friday, you’ll be tired after work. And if we need delivery truck or something like that, we’ll have to, like, book them earlier, and I don’t think you can spare time, can you? I don’t know how that goes or I could do-”

Draping his arm around Alex, John kisses his temple before cutting him off, “Babe, babe. Over dinner. We’ll talk over dinner.”

Alex laughs, a little embarrassed, looks down wrapping his hand around John’s waist. “I’m just so excited.”

“I know, babe.” John kisses his temple again. “I know.”

 

That night John takes him home and lays him down on the bed with care to kiss every inch of his body. He apologizes in a whisper, and, for a second, makes Alex feel like he has pressured John into doing something that he initially didn’t want to do. But all thoughts go blurry when John slides a finger inside. In the agony of anticipation, Alex moans as John takes his sweet time preparing him. It seems like ages before John finally enters him, bare, and looms over him with a hungry growl. Alex’s mouth falls open in pain and pleasure, of which John takes advantage and slides his tongue in Alex’s mouth. His whole body pressed against the other and Alex’s cock trapped between, hard, aching, and leaking pre-cum. Alex claws at John’s bicep as he pulls out a little to push back in again. He can  _ hear _ his nails tearing his lover’s skin and the gasps that accompany it. He can’t quite control himself as he digs his nails again and, with his other hand, grabs John’s bare butt and  _ pulls,  _ pulls him to him. There is no space between them but he wants John closer. It feels so intimate and easy but he  _ wants him close!  _ He wants to pull him into himself and be  _ one _ , live in one body. The frustration of not being able to do that and the pleasure of being full make his eyes water and he sobs freely with his eyes closed tightly.

He opens his eyes as John caresses his cheek and slows his thrusts. “A’right, baby girl?”

Alex shakes his head and sobs again. John stops moving and Alex’s clutch on him gets tighter; he won’t let him move away. Alex whimpers before he manages to say, “please don’t stop.” John kisses his cheek, nose, the soft skin between his eyebrows and slowly starts thrusting again. “I just… I love you so much.” he mumbles. “I love you, John. John, I love you. _Ah_ … please j-just… please be with me… here. _John-n…”_


	17. There Is No Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo I'm back

_Present day_

 

The first thing he sees when he wakes up are the different curtains. They are Hercules’. They were. This room, which is now a spare room, was Hercules’ for a very long time. Then John moved in, and a couple of months later Hercules moved out to live with  his girlfriend, Beth. The curtains are grey but it’s sunny outside, so the room is not totally dark. Alex wonders if this was the scene he woke up to for the last few days he spent here. He. John… Funny how much it hurts to simply say, or even think of, one’s name when they are no longer there.

John liked white, semi-transparent curtains, to let the sunlight seep through. Not grey. Not maroon.

Alex doesn’t know why Hercules left the curtains. Maybe they were old and he got bored of them, they were grey after all. Maybe he didn’t care t=for them anymore. Alex lets the teardrops roll down the side of his face silently. Closing his eyes, he touches the sheet, the pillow; they had been near John longer than Alex had. They had touched John for longer. Maybe his smell is still there, tiny drops of his sweat that had seeped in. The sheets haven’t been washed since. Maybe tears even.

But who is Alex even kidding. John never cried.

 

He sits up on the bed and rubs his face on the sleeves of his shirt. He is tired. He has been sleeping way too much but he is tired. He cannot keep breaking down like this. Maybe Gilbert had a point. It _can_ become an obsession. An Addiction. A need to be in this state, to prove something.

He enters the kitchen after coming out of the bathroom and is taken aback for a second when he sees a figure sitting at the table with a cup in front of them and a book opened. Gilbert wasn’t supposed to be home. Alex sighs when his eyes finally focus on silky dark hair and a blue top.

“Alex, are you okay?” says Eliza, looking a little concerned. She wears blue a lot, Alex notices.

“Sorry, not wearing glasses.” Alex says, and goes to take the coffee Eliza has already made. “So you’re babysitting today?”

Eliza hesitates. “I’ll call someone else if you don’t want me here.”

“No… no, stay… If you want. I’m just…” He takes a sip of the coffee instead.

Eliza looks him up and down and furrows her brows with pity. Alex looks down himself to see his worn out sweatpants, the lack of underwear, and his loose faded green t-shirt. His eyes puffy. His hair is probably messy, sticking out in every direction, his goatee has probably turned into a beard which is far from well shaped; he can’t tell for sure, he can’t remember the last time he looked  in a mirror. He stands a little straighter and clears his throat in his endeavour to make himself look presentable; self-conscious all of a sudden.

“How… how are you doing, Alex?” asks Eliza timidly.

“I don’t…” He remembers Gilbert’s words from last night. “I’m fine.” he says with his lips tight.

Eliza looks down at her book, raising her eyebrows awkwardly, feeling ignored. Alex has never let her in. She should have been used to it by now, but she is not. “Would you like me to make you something? To eat?” says she after a bit of silence.

“No, I’m not really hungry.”

“When did you have dinner last night?”

Alex rubs his eye. “At Lafayette’s… I don’t know what exactly the time was.”

“I’m sorry, Alex, but you _have_ to eat something. Gilbert gave me strict orders.”

Alex sighs. “Because Gilbert commands my life now.” he murmurs before he nods his head, too tired to argue or hurt anyone else. He is not completely unaware of how easily he can hurt Eliza. So he lets Eliza make breakfast for him, forces it all down his throat, compliments her cooking even though he can’t really taste anything, and lets her put on a movie for the both of them to watch. Alex loses track after ten minutes. His mind is disoriented, he gets distracted. Even though it’s animation, everyday simple things remind him of… him.

“What’s the movie title again?” Alex asks, just to stop his mind from drifting away from the present.

“The Boss Baby.”

“So the baby is the boss?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“How come the baby can talk?”

Halfway through Eliza’s explanation of some weird serum, Alex loses track again. But when his mind catches up to what he sees on the screen, which is a baby farting right after someone applied baby powder on his bum, Alex cracks up. He laughs. And the next second it feels abnormal. His jaw feels tight and his face too stretched. In slight shock of his own action, he looks abruptly at Eliza, who he finds, has already been staring at him.

This is the first time he has smiled in weeks.

 

* * *

 

That evening, after bidding Eliza goodbye, Alex finds Gilbert in the spare room, a cardboard box open on the bed. Gilbert is wandering around the room gathering things from here and there and checking his phone every now and then. Alex goes to lean against the door frame and his gaze follows Gilbert’s movements for a while.

“Where is he staying?”

Gilbert stops for a second to look at him, somewhat hesitant and surprised that Alex is able to talk about this. “I thought you stopped talking to me.” He goes back to the bedside table and begins to look for something.

“Contrary to popular belief, I am not actually 5.” When Gilbert doesn’t answer, he asks again. “Where is he?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“He said that?”

“No… um, no, not exactly…”

“Is he afraid I’m gonna stalk him or something?”

Gilbert makes eye contact. “Come on, petit lion, you are angry.”

Alex chuckles humorlessly. “I am not angry.”

“If you know John at all, you know, deep down, that he would never say something like that.”

“Why not? I might actually stalk him.” says Alex, shrugging. “Besides, I don’t really know if I ever knew him. He never opened up. When I thought he did… looking back… he didn’t really.” Alex looks at Gilbert, he has stopped looking through the drawers and is now staring at him.

Gilbert stands up from his crouched position and walks to Alex. “You want to talk about it, Alex?”

“No. What does he want?” He replies almost robotically, stopping Gilbert from inquiring any further.

“Some cards and things he forgot.”

Alex freezes. _Cards… a card…_ He sent a card to Jemmy. John’s little brother. Couple of weeks ago. From both of them…

 

_Happy Birthday, Jemmy! Wish we could be with you. We’ll be sure to get you two presents for Christmas._

_Love,_ _  
_ _Alex & John _

 

The day before the card reached Jemmy, there was no _Alex & John _.

 

Gilbert sees the tension in his eyes. He cups his face and shakes him a little until he looks at Gilbert again. “You’re okay, yes?”

A minute passes before he answers. “...fine.” His voice is small and heavy. “The cards are not here. They’re in the other bedroom.” he says, composing himself.

“Oui.” Gilbert goes to the other room, Alex trailing behind.

“He didn’t go back to South Carolina, did he?”

Gilbert hesitates but doesn’t answer.

Alex’s eyes widen. “He did… But his job…? Gil, he loved the zoo! The animals! Is it because of-”

Gilbert takes out the cards sent/given to John by his siblings, friends… Alex. He looks at his friend guiltily. “I don’t know why he went to South Carolina, Alex. I’m sending the things there. If you want to talk to him…”

Alex dismisses the idea immediately. Talking to him means he has to face the reality, the truth, that John is no more here, his. He shivers, closing his eyes tightly, slouching a little, and shakes his head from side to side.


	18. Lies

_Two years and one month ago_

 

“You poked my heart.” whispers Alex as he wraps his hands around John’s middle from behind and closes his eyes, taking a sniff, smelling John because he likes how he smells in the morning. _Mine. You are mine. This scent is for me._ Sniffs.

John chuckles, not taking his eyes off of the eggs on the pan, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Alex just shrugs; he is not going to explain if John doesn’t get it. He is confident John will understand soon.

The day is sunny and Alex is in a good mood. It’s the first weekend after John has moved in with Alex, which means, today is the first day they get to spend the whole day together in _their_ home. Sure Hercules is still there, but he doesn’t mind. Hercules is chill.

There are unpacked boxes in both the bedroom and living room. John is only half done unpacking. Alex said he would help, but all he has done so far is distract John and manipulate him into getting him in bed. So John came home early when he could manage to get all the work done at the zoo, earlier than Alex sometimes, and unpacked the stuffs that he could until Alex came home and get on his lap. And then Alex would doze off, leaving John to make dinner. Hercules helped when he was home, but he spent most days with Beth. So it was up to John to wake a drowsy Alex up and practically feed him sometimes and then carry him to bed before washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. Then he would wash up and just when he was finally in deep slumber, Alex would wake up and start typing on his laptop or reading a book. It has been only a couple of days and there is already a pattern.

John moves and Alex moves with him, clinging onto him like a koala. John gets the eggs off the pan and turns around to put his hands on Alex’s hips and kisses him softly. Alex hooks his arms around the taller man’s neck and hums.

“Umph morning breath.” says John, chuckling between kisses.

“I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up–“

“I know, that’s why I moved in.”

“–and you keep leaving me alone in the bed every morning.”

John smiles and kisses his nose.

“You knew what you’d have to put up with before you moved in.”

“Your morning breath kisses? That’s not exactly what I signed up for.” John chuckles, brushing his lips against Alex’s.

“You love me, right?” Alex asks, a little  self-conscious.

“Love you.” murmurs John.

Alex smiles. “You mean that?”

“Of course. You poked my heart too, my little lion.”

Alex can’t help but grin and kiss the man again.

“Now go wash up so we can eat together.” says John before smacking Alex’s bum.

Alex growls, his eyes are hooded. “Why don’t you do that to me in bed?”

“You’d like that?” John murmurs.

“Yeah.”

John gives him a loud smacking kiss and spanks him again before loosening his arms and letting him go. “I will.”

A promise.

 

John spanks him again that day, while Alex is on all fours with his ass up in the air, before petting his butt soothingly and burying his face in it. Cardboard boxes surrounding them and forgotten. Alex’s whines fill the apartment and he hopes Hercules doesn’t come back from his datenight any time soon.

* * *

 

As Alex has no filter, he lets it be known that Hercules might want to move out now. Knowing Alex, Hercules doesn’t mind. He has been planning on doing that anyway. But it’s not before four more months that Hercules actually does move out to live with his girlfriend, making John more agitated day by day.

 

"My dad is coming to visit. With Jemmy." John declares one weekend. He dropped his phone on the bed and resumed folding their clothes.

"Really?" Alex looks up from his phone with a smile, sat on the bed. "That's great!" he says nervously. He knows John's father isn't exactly endearing

"Yeah, he wants to see the new place. See if it's... suitable."

"It's hardly new, it's been months... five months."

John only clears his throat uncomfortably, gaze focused on the clothes in his hands.

"What?"

"He doesn't know I moved in five months ago.” He pauses while Alex waits, confusion apparent on his face.

“I told him I moved in last week."

"Why would you lie?"

"Because I knew he would ask why I moved and then want to see the new place for himself and make sure it's in a ok place because apparently he think I'm still a stubborn teenager who does everything to spite him."

"So you’ve been putting it off 'cause you didn't want to face all that?"

"No… no, I was waiting for Hercules to move out."

"What Hercules got to do with any of this?"

John says, without meeting his eyes. "We have to get the other bedroom ready before they get here."

"Are they staying here?"

"No, I don't think so. Dad's not the type. He'll probably stay at a hotel. Jemmy might whine about staying with me but I don't know if dad will allow it."

Alex stares at him, confused. "Then why are we..." The realization hits. "Un-fucking-believable... they still don't know." A statement, not a question. He shakes his head and chuckles bitterly.

"Don't you think I would have let you know if I came out to my family?"

"Actually, no, John, I don't think so, because apparently you don't say a lot of things to a lot of people."

"Can we focus on the problem in hand?" his voice level.

"Yeah, let's do that. What's the problem? Your family doesn't know you're gay or that you've been dating a guy for over a fucking year or that you've moved in that fucking guy. Solution: tell your family you're fucking gay."

John finally looks at him. "Babe, can you please not sound so hostile and calm down for a second?"

"I am calm! Tell your dad you're gay. You're fucking 27 years old. You have a job, you got money, a place, you don't need him." His voice rising gradually.

"And you think that's the only reason I never told him? Because he might disown me?"

"I wouldn't know, John, you never tell me!"

"I don't want him to ban me from seeing my brothers and sisters, ok? And I don't want to disappoint him."

"And you being gay is a disappointment?! Do you know how ridiculous you sound, John?"

"Look, you don't know him. He is old and... southern."

"Then why do you care about disappointing him? He sounds like an asshole anyway."

John takes a deep breath. "Because he is my father and I don't want to hear another word against him." he says in almost a growl. "I am getting the other bedroom ready and you are pretending to be my flatmate. And if you don't want to do that, disappear for two days. End of discussion."

John walks out of the room.

 

* * *

 

 

All the photos of the two of them together that Alex had put up are taken down and hidden in the back of the closet. Anything that gives away the couple that lives here and are in love gets hidden. The spare bedroom becomes John's pretend-bedroom. The closet in that room is filled with his clothes now. A picture of his late mother on the bedside table. Great attention to detail. Henry Laurens is smart. Only John can fool him in his deception.

 

"I still don't understand why you wanted to move out from your old apartment, Jack. This place is..." Henry’s gaze catches Alex's, who is sitting on the sofa staring at him, daring him to say a bad thing about the flat, "not the same. And it is not as though you can’t afford this place alone..."

"This place is a little closer to work."

"How closer?"

"Saves me like... ten minutes…?"

Henry frowns. "Honestly, Jack-"

"Will you take me to the zoo this time, Jack, please?" Jemmy cuts him off.

"Sure, buddy." John says, ruffling Jemmy's hair.

"And you left poor Lafayette alone. I liked him." Henry starts again.

"We're still friends, dad. You make it sound so final. We meet up, he comes over for movies and stuff. Besides, he appreciates a bit of extra space. He needs space for work.”

Alex shakes his head silently and goes back to reading his book.

"Aren't you too old to be reading Harry Potter?"

Alex looks to his side to see Jemmy sat on the sofa beside him, checking the cover of the book. "How old do you think I am?"

"I don't know... thirty?"

"Hey! I'm 25! Besides, I have a very young face, so I basically look 20."

Jemmy furrows his brows. "No, you don't."

Alex clicked his tongue. “You don’t necessarily have to be a kid to ready Harry Potter. I find it relaxing, so I read it when I'm stressed."

"I read Gulliver's Travel when I'm stressed."

"You know that's satire, right? It's not just fun and all."

"I guess.” Jemmy shrugs. “Do you have a lot of books?"

"I wouldn't say a lot. But I've got a few good ones."

"Can I see them?"

Alex smiles. "Sure, help yourself. They're not all in the same place, so you'll have to dig through stuff."

"Thanks!"

 

As soon as Jemmy starts checking out the books in the living room, his father stops his conversation with John and calls Jemmy. "What are you doing touching other people's things?"

Jemmy freezes with ‘ _Sense and Sensibility’_ in his hands.

"No... that's okay, sir. He asked me first." Alex says. He makes eye contact with John as Henry considers.

 

Jemmy asks if he can borrow George Orwell’s _‘Animal Farm’_ as John proposes to take them out for dinner.

"Another satire. You're a pretty good reader, Jemmy." says Alex. "I know it's too early but you should consider majoring in English."

Jamie grins.

Henry chuckles. "And become a boring school teacher? No disrespect though. I know there are people who are passionate about these things. And that's good. But I think my son is capable of achieving something greater."

As soon as Alex opens to mouth to reply, John cuts him off. "We should leave now, dad."

"Alexander, won't you join us?" says Henry.

"No, this looks like a family thing." says Alex through gritted teeth, but wearing a polite smile. "Another time."

He sees from the corner of his eyes John sighing with relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No disrespect to anyone. All the dialogues and everything are the characters’ thinkings, not the author’s personal views.
> 
> Btw, Henry is not actually that old. By "old" John means he is a lot older than they are of course. Henry is like 57.


	19. Attached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holding tight & letting go

_Present day_

Sleep doesn’t come easy now. The first night after Eliza leaves, Alex doesn’t sleep at all.

He gets up and rummages through his closet, looking for the clothes he borrowed from John so often that they became his. He finds hoodies, shirts, even sweatpants.

They don’t smell like John anymore.

He folds them neatly and puts them in the box that Gilbert is going to send out tomorrow.

Gilbert.

Gilbert is probably awake from the light and the noise. If he is, he doesn’t say anything or tries to stop Alex.

Alex collects the books next. The books that have _‘Alex & John’ _ written in them but were actually bought by John. Maybe he puts some in the box that _he_ bought. But he doesn’t think too much about it.

It’s time to return the things that belong to John.

 

The days that follow are not better.

They’re not worse.

Alex can only get about two hours of unrestful sleep.

He stares at the ceiling, the wall, the fucking curtains.

Watches Lafayette sleep beside him - mouth ajar, puffy hair falling over his eyes.

He goes to the other room, and tries to sleep there; chanting under his breath, “South Carolina… He went to South Carolina…”

After he sees the sun come up, he gives up trying to shut down his brain. He pulls back the curtains and watches the sun rise in the sky and the light change.

He loved watching the sunrise with him.

John.

He looked beautiful in the first light. His hazel eyes took a lighter hue and a soft smile played on his full pink lips. His skin looked… transparent, as though if Alex touched it, his fingers would melt into the skin.

Alex opens his eyes, and the moisture that has gathered break free.

His fingers never melted into his skin. It was nothing divine.

John was human. No matter how godly he looked in the first light.

 

A part of him is convinced that John left New York because of him.

John loved his job, the animals. And not just love, that was his passion. He said he saw the animals being born and grow and die before his eyes. A baby elephant died in his arms. He was inconsolable that day. He was attached. He said he loved being surrounded by animals. And he just left all that… his whole life.

"Because of me." Alex whispers to himself.

 

A tiny part of him doesn't want to take the blame.

 

Alex quits coffee.

He is fine.

He spends whole days in bed. He isn’t exactly sure what he does all day but the days go by.

Gilbert looks at him with worried eyes. “I’m fine.” Alex says casually.

He opens a random book so Gilbert would stop stealing glances. But on the first page of the book it says _“Alex & John ‘15” _in his own handwriting.

He throws the book across the room. It hits the floor hard. By the time Gilbert is in the room to check the source of the noise, Alex is on his side, facing the other way, under the blanket.

 

Eliza calls. “Do you want to go out?”

“Where?”

“I don’t know… Movie? Park? Ice-cream? Dinner”

 _Why the fuck not?_ “Ice-cream sounds nice.”

Eliza picks him up after her shift at the school the next day.

He muscles scream, ache from all the lying down. He doesn’t have the energy, mentally, to get his contacts. So he wears his glasses. Things appear blurrier than usual without them. He has bloodshot eyes and dark circles. Eliza doesn’t inquire.

They get ice-cream and sit on a bench in the park.

“Gil put you up to this, didn’t he?” asks Alex.

Only one bite is absent from his ice-cream. It’s a nice day. Scruinting he looks around - sun rays peeking through the leaves of the trees. Should have bought the sunglasses. So many days cooped up in his apartment has weakened his ability to bear sunlight.

Eliza hesitates a little and doesn’t answer.

“I don’t mind, Eliza.”

“Gil just asked me to call you or come over. Taking you out wasn’t his idea. I just thought it would help.”

“Maybe it isn’t helping.” Alex chuckles. “Jesus, I sound like an asshole.” He chuckles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Is that the impression I give? Like I don’t appreciate you guys trying to help?”

“Well, you aren’t eating your ice-cream.” Eliza smiles.

Alex smiles and licks his ice-cream. Tastes very little. Not the way he remembers it. “I never asked for help, Eliza. I still don’t think I need it. But you guys are trying and I don’t hate that. It gets annoying sometimes, but most of the time I can take it.”

“So you would like us to stop?”

Alex nods. “I don’t want to hurt you guys and then feel bad.”

“Then this is not me trying to help you. This is just us, hanging out.”

“But we never hang out alone.”

“We can start now.”

Alex smiles at her. “You are not annoying.”

“And I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“I want to go back to work.” he says to her after a while, because telling this to Gilbert is useless. Alex has found a confidant in her. She listens and doesn’t inquire, doesn’t ask him to _talk about it_.

Like John. He was a listener. Never really talked much. Alex used to think that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“You can work from home, right?” Eliza says.

“Guess I can, but I want to go.”

Eliza looks up at him, at first wanting to ask the inevitable next question, then realizing that she knew the answer to that and stopping.

Alex wanted to go because he could use the distraction.

“Why don’t you then?” asks Eliza.

“Gilbert doesn’t want me to. He talked to Washington and he gave me a vacation. I don’t want it.”

Eliza frowns. “You can do whatever you want, Alex. Maybe Gilbert doesn’t know what’s good for you.”

“He worries.”

There’s a pause. “Talk to him.”

“I… I can’t. The last thing I wanna do is talk.”

Eliza hesitates before dropping the spoon on the cup and slowly takes his hand. “If you ever need anyone… to… anything, call me.”

Alex resists the urge to flinch away and swallows before meeting her eyes and faking a small polite smile. She has warm brown eyes. The corners of her eyes blend into the skin like with natural eyeshadow. Just like John’s. A few freckles are scattered over the bridge of her nose and cheeks. Alex looks away almost immediately. “Anyway, I… I can’t work… I’ve lost- I’m afraid, Eliza. I can’t write. I think going to work might make it come back.”

Eliza nods and takes back her hand. “I can’t tell what will help, but a change of scenery might.”

“Gil wants me to go to France with him.”

“Do you want to?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I… I can’t leave home. I’m attached…”

“Yet you want to go back to work?”

Alex looks down and doesn’t answer.


	20. Connection & The Lack Of It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for slight homophobia

_One year and nine months ago_

 

"You never took me to the zoo." says Alex when John gets back, looking tired. He is sat on the bed with his laptop open.

"Sorry?"

Alex doesn’t remove his gaze from the laptop screen. "I've asked you so many times, you keep saying you're gonna take me to the zoo and show me the little lion but you never did."

"Then come with us tomorrow." says John, casually, taking off his coat.

"You don't want me there."

"That's not true, Alex. I'm just worried you might say something or give us away." John goes to the other room to get his clothes. When Alex doesn't say anything, he continues. "Alex, this is important to me. No one wants to disappoint their parents, no matter how… how narrow-minded they are. And I only have _one_. There's just so much pressure on me already. I'm on a fucking stage, constantly trying not to disappoint the audience. And I don’t exactly want my father to disappear from my life. It’s true I have to walk on eggshells around him. But it gives me a sense of freedom, even though I have to lie to him. You know, like, I have someone above me. A support.  If he shuts me out… my sibling, I… there’s just too much pressure. Does that make sense? "

Alex doesn't answer, doesn't look at him. “Why don’t you go sleep in _your_ room.”

There’s silence. Then John says, “do you want me to?”

A pause. Then shakes his head.

"It's been draining.” John sighs. “Come with me tomorrow? I want you there." He kissed his temple before going to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

They meet Henry and Jemmy at the zoo. Jemmy is practically vibrating with excitement. Alex sees a genuine smile appear on John’s face when he notices Jemmy. When they reach them, taking Jemmy by the shoulders, John asks, “you excited?”

“Super.” says Jemmy.

With his eyes hidden behind sunglasses, Henry Laurens has a perfect poker face.

“Good morning.” says John.

Henry nods and says, “‘mornin’” but Alex only sees his lips moving, and hears nothing. He nods at Alex next.

Pressing his lips together in a thin line, Alex nods back.

 

John buys Jemmy hot chocolate.  Alex loves hot chocolate. John knows. He gets another and offers it to Alex, who just crosses his arms over his chest and looks the other way, leaving John hanging.

 

The animals, they seem to connect to John. There’s something in John’s eyes that Alex has never seen before. He looks like he belongs here. Happy, content. Almost like when he sees the first light appear in the sky. But a little different than that. Alex can’t place it.

He is still sulking but he can’t stop looking.

John goes beyond the boundaries, closer to some of the the animals - much to Jemmy’s delight. He feeds the giraffe and the sickly orangutan. Then when they continue walking, John hangs back to match pace with Alex and whispers in his ear, “the little lion.”

And then Alex sees it as Jemmy and Henry step aside to admire the cub. Her jaw hangs as she strides with wild elegance towards where they are standing. She looks at John and lifts her face a little. John smiles. She is not little anymore.

“It knows you?” Jemmy asks John.

“She. Most animals do. But yeah, I… I was there when she was born, I took care of her, and… yeah.” There’s affection in John’s eyes, the kind that’s new to Alex.

 

“Sit up straight, James, and put away the book.” Henry says as they look at the menu, his voice stern.

Jemmy, leaning over the the book he has borrowed from Alex, looks up at his father with pleading eyes at the mention of his full name. “But dad,” he says hesitantly, “I have to return this book tomorrow and I’m only halfway through.”

Before Henry can say anything, John says with a smile, “You can keep the book, Jemmy, now put it away.”

“But the book is Alex’s.”

Alex looks at Jemmy, startled. “I…”

“Isn’t it?” Jemmy, questioning himself, turns the pages and goes to the first page to check the signature. He furrows his brows in confusion. “It says ‘Alex & John’ _._ It’s… both of yours?”

“It’s um…” Alex starts.

“Actually we bought a bunch of books from this book fair and forgot who paid for which. So we just wrote both of our names in it.” John lies smoothly.

Alex restrains himself from gaping at John in astonishment. “You can keep the book, Jemmy.” says Alex, repeating John’s words.

“Thanks!” says Jemmy.

“I didn’t know you had the habit of writing your name in your books, Jack.” says Henry, still looking at the menu.

“I don’t. But Alex does.” says John.

“Yes. And I… um… it didn’t feel right to just write my name ‘cause I didn’t know which ones I paid for…” says Alex, repeating what John has just said. “... yeah.”

Much to his relief, a waiter comes to take their order, and Jemmy puts the book in his backpack happily.

 

“Do you plan to visit home any time soon, Jack?” says Henry, as he digs into his steak.

“I’m not sure. Work keeps me really busy.”

“Do you remember the Kinloch boy?” says Henry, smiling a little. John nods without taking his eyes off the plate. “Francis Kinloch? He’s wife is pregnant with their second child.”

John takes a deep breath. “Well, good for him.”

“Francis?” Alex asked.

“Jack and Francis were very close in high school. I thought he would like to know how he is now.” Henry answers.

“I wouldn’t say very close… We were friends.”

“No very close?” Henry chuckles. “You were inseparable! The boy spent half of his summer vacation in our house!”

John shook his head, concentrating on his pasta. “We mostly worked together or played games.”

“You went camping with him all the time, and you didn’t take me.” Jemmy cuts in, sullenly.

“You were really little, Jemmy.”

“Oh.” says Alex, raising his eyebrows as realization dawned upon him. “You never told me about your… buddy, _Jack_.”

“That’s because they had this big argu-” starts Jemmy.

“Jemmy, eat your food.” says John before he can finish.

“And remember the girl you went to prom with? Mary Manning, was it?” Henry says, coming back to where he started.

“Martha. Martha Manning.” says John, still staring at his plate and eating.

“She’s like you still.”

“Like me?” 

“Unmarried. Pity, you broke her heart. Pretty thing, good family-”

“Dad.”

“What? You realize what I am hinting then? It’s time you settled down, Jack. You’re 27. I had Henry Jr. and been married for five years when I was 27. I know times are different now-”

“Henry Jr…? Isn’t Henry younger than John?” asks Alex, confused.

Henry looks at Alex, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, obviously not appreciating the interruption. “I don’t mean Harry. I had a son before Jack. Henry… he died at the age of five.”

Alex’s jaw drops. “You never said…” He looks at John, surprised, wide eyed, his food forgotten. John stares back with something close to cooped up anger.

Alex notices how tightly he is clutching the fork. He knows it all bothers him, the presence of his father bothers him. And it's frustrating to see that John isn't doing anything about it and that he feels obliged to sit here and listen to all his crap.

“Everybody stayed and found a life in South Carolina except you.” says Henry.

John puts his fork on the plate with forced calmness and leans back against the chair. “Find me a zoo like this in South Carolina and I’ll go back.”

“Oh forget the zoo and the animals and all that rubbish.” says Henry, swishing his hand as though he was talking about something of no importance. “I’ve stayed in South Carolina all my life and I have everything that I ever wanted. There is nothing here that you cannot find there. Come back and I will find you a nice job-”

“I don’t want to. I like it here. I’m attached to the animals. I’ve watched them being born, grow up, grow old and die… in my arms even. And you can’t just walk away from something like that.”

Henry chuckles humorlessly. “Animals? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds, Jack? When did you get so soft, boy? Man up! Come back and I will get you a job, find you a nice girl-”

 _That’s it!_ “Oh for God’s sakes your son doesn’t want your job!” Alex half yells, slamming the cloth on the table. “Or Martha or whatever!”

“Alex.” John almost growls. A warning.

Alex doesn’t even look at him. “John is with me! He is happy. With his job, with his life, with everything. So just leave him alone!”

Angered and astonished by Alex’s impertinence, Henry stares at him, his jaw set, mirroring John. “What can you possibly mean?”

There’s no going back from here, so John doesn’t warn him again. “I mean, sir, your son is in a relationship with me. We have been dating for over a year now, and living together for months.” says Alex.

There’s silence. Jemmy, a little scared and confused, looks at everyone. John is looking at his plate again. Henry is looking at John, Alex is looking anywhere but.

It feels like hours before Henry says, “Is this true, Jack? What your… friend is saying?”

“Don’t you dare deny it, John.” Alex warns.

John looks up at him with bloodshot eyes and his lips pressed together.

“How is this possible?” Henry says. “My son… Jack, you need help. Jack look at me.” John does. “You’re coming with me.”

John opens his mouth to take a breath in, then slowly says, “No, I’m not. I’m sorry, father, I’m staying here.”

Henry draws back, almost surprised by his son’s disobedience. “Well that’s… um…” He throws a few bills on the table and stands up. “Come along, Jemmy.” He starts walking toward the elevator.

Jemmy throws a last panicked glance towards John before following his father.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk less, alex


	21. Distraction

_Present day_

The days blur together.

Alex goes to meet Eliza. Eliza comes over with food to watch movies. Peggy and Angelica join them sometimes, but not often.

Peggy makes Alex laugh. Alex likes her. She opens up so easily, unlike a certain someone whose thought Alex pushes to the back of his head. But she is oddly secretive about her love life. Eliza says she is just shy. Peggy feels like a twelve-year-old in front of her sisters still. Alex is glad. He envies the ease with which she laughs, and he doesn’t know if he could stand if she started talking about her love life.

Angelica challenges him intellectually. Sometimes he enjoys it; but more often than not, it makes his brain hurt. He feels tired. So he decides to stop thinking abruptly and stares blankly at the TV screen. Angelica frowns at him when she doesn’t get any answer. He was never like this.

Eliza. Eliza is comfort, tranquility. Eliza is time. When Eliza laughs at Peggy’s jokes, Alex listens. When Eliza talks about her day, Alex listens. Somehow, sometimes Eliza makes him forget about the curls, the freckles, the toothy grin, the solid arms and the warmth, and Alex is at peace for that moment. But her brown eyes remind Alex of a similar pair and he keeps staring like he is bewitched. Eliza furrows her brows and scoffs, says, “what?” Alex shakes his head with a sad smile on his lips and looks away. “Nothing.”

Alex doesn’t see much of Hercules. He calls sometimes. He dropped by once with Beth. Gilbert has been very busy with his work. He spends hours with his assistant, Maria, discussing things that Alex doesn’t understand. But mostly he is out. Lafayette is glad that Eliza has taken his duty of taking care of Alex. Alex doesn’t mind so much being alone now. The sound of no footsteps, the sound of emptiness, of absence doesn’t scare him much anymore.

Alex takes advantages of Gilbert’s absence. He plucks up the courage to call his boss.

“How are you, son?” Washington says in a rather hurried but caring voice. Alex knows he is busy and finds it very informal of him to ask when Alex has called him during office hour and not on his private number.

It is true that Washington and Alex don’t exactly have a strict boss-employee relationship. Washington took care of Gilbert when he first came to the USA after his parents’ death, and Alex and Lafayette have been friends for a long time. Alex has been to Washington’s house countless times. He even spent a summer with them in Virginia. Washington considers both Gilbert and Alex to be his sons. But he is also Alex’s boss, and he never liked being called his son. The truth was clear: Washington was not Alex’s father. Alex’s father was a scoundrel who left his mother and him to starve. And it drives Alex up the wall whenever Washington calls him son.

“I’m fine, sir. Thank you for asking.” Alex replies. “I called you for something else.”

“Yes?”

“Can we have a meeting? During office hour.”

Alex knows there’s a line Washington won’t cross. Alex respects and loves the man, but he cannot stand the worried eyes with which he looks at him, the ‘Alexander, you should eat more’s, the ‘please don’t work too much’s, the ‘you’ll get sick’s, and the ‘take care of yourself’s. And he knows Washington will not say all that if he meets him for official reasons. Alex isn’t sure if Washington would be able to help the worry and pity in his eyes when he sees a much thinner and sick-looking Alex. Alex knows Gilbert updates Washington weekly, and Alex can’t stand that either. Seriously, doesn’t Washington have a life except for worrying about him and Gilbert?

“Uh…” Alex hears pages being turned through the phone. “Today?”

“That would be nice.”

Washington considers. “Okay, I’ll squeeze you into my schedule and my assistant will let you know when.”

 

So Alex waits in front of Washington’s office after lunchtime. Washington had his assistant ask Alex if he would like to have a lunch meeting with Washington, which Alex declined. The next option for him was after lunch. The walk from the front gate of the office to Washington’s office was awkward. Everybody stared at him. Some even came to say hello and ask if Washington had fired him, which everyone knew was impossible. But after Alex’s abrupt absence for months without any talk of resignation and Washington telling everyone he was sick, people started to wonder. Aaron, with that smile glued to his face, shook his hand. “Welcome back, Hamilton.” If he wondered about the same thing as his other colleagues, he didn’t let it show. Alex likes the guy. Sometimes. He didn’t let him know that he is not back yet.

Washington welcomes him with a smile without showing his teeth. He stand up to shake his hand, doesn’t ask how he is again. “How can I help you, Alexander?”

“I’m not fired, am I?” Alex asks self-consciously.

“Of course not. I have interns and other people sharing your work. But no one here is as good as you are.”

Alexander flinches a little. “Yeah, I’d like to come back to work now.”

Washington takes a deep breath, loses his formal demeanour. “Alexander, are you sure you’re ready for work? You look sick. Take a break. Go to France with Gilbert. It’ll make you feel better. If you are worried about the position, don’t be. It’s yours as long as you want it.”

“I’m not. I’m not worried about the position, sir.”

“But Gilbert said-”

Alex cuts him off. “Gilbert is not my therapist. It’s been months and I don’t appreciate favoritism, sir. Either take me back or let me go so I can look for other work.”

Washington is taken aback. He doesn’t reply immediately and Alex doesn’t dare look at him.

“Very well.” says Washington after a while, all traces of emotion gone from his tone. “You can join from next Monday.”

Alex looks up at him finally. Washington’s face lacks any emotion. Alex gives him a nod, thanks him and leaves.

 

* * *

 

“You’re going back to work?”

“Do you and Washington text constantly?” Alex asks as Gilbert stands at his bedroom door. “No wonder your love life is non-existent.”

“You and I both know that Washington is not the reason I’m single.”

“Good. That would have be weird.”

“Get back to the main topic.”

“Yes, Gil, I’m going back to work.”

“If you think it’s gonna help-”

“Yes, Gil, I think it’s gonna help.”

Gilbert comes to sit beside him. “Alex, what you need now is closure. Not distraction. You’ll overwork again and make yourself sicker than you already are and now Jo- he’s not here to take care of you. If you need help, I can contact a therapist-”

“For the last time Gilbert, I don’t need help. I’m- I’m… I need something to do. Keep your nose out of my business. I’m allowed to make decision that affect no one but me.”

Gilbert falls silent, wonders if it is the name that Alex is reacting to.

 _Two. Score._ Alex has successfully hurt two people in one day.

“You want some time alone. Sorry.” Gilbert says in a small voice and leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't hate alex


	22. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The moon made thy lips pale, beloved;   
>  The wind made thy bosom chill;"
> 
> — _"The Cold Earth Slept Below"_ by Percy Bysshe Shelley

_ One year and nine months ago _

 

John keeps staring at the cash thrown on the table, making Alex more and more anxious. His face is not exactly readable, like he’s in a trance.

“John…?” Alex says slowly.

To Alex’s surprise, John looks up at him abruptly.

“Are you okay?”

Without answering, John keeps staring.

Alex’s voice shakes a little when he speaks next. “J… you’re scaring me. Are you okay?”

John simply stands up and strides towards the elevator. Alex half runs after him.

John hails a taxi while Alex keeps asking him if he is okay and other questions, none of which he answers. 

“It’s out now. Isn’t this a relief? You don’t have to lie anymore.” John is silent. “So what’s the worst he can do? Disown you? It’s not like you are dependant on him anymore. And what if you don’t inherit your dad’s fucking palace?”

When the taxi stops in front of them, John opens the door and shoves Alex inside. “Go home.” he almost growls.

“What the fu- wait! What are you doing?!” Alex yanks his hands away and gets out of the taxi. Furrowing his eyebrows, Alex stares at John for a second in disbelief. Hurt. “What is wrong with you?!” When John doesn’t answer, he adds, “let’s go home and we can talk about this.”

“There is nothing to talk about. You’ve made a decision that wasn’t yours to make. And this is my decision. You go home, I’m never going back there.” 

Alex takes a step back. There’s a fire in John’s eyes that he has never seen before. A fire that can only demolish, torture, and hurt, but not shed light. A cold fire. A fire that burns only once in a millennium. But when it burns, it destroys everything that causes it to rise.

Alex’s throat closes up, and without his permission, his eyes start to water when his words finally sink in. “You’re…”

“You moron... You think I care if I don’t inherit my father’s wealth? You only talk and talk, you never listen. And when you’re not talking you’re preparing your next reply. Was I talking to a wall when I said what was at stake? You don’t listen to me, do you? You just think about when you’re gonna talk next.” John repeats, fuming. “You have demeaned me in my father’s eyes today, I’ve lost his love and respect and you say what’s the worst he can? I could see the disappointment in his eyes. And you wouldn’t even understand what that means, would you? ‘Cause you have no parents.”

 

Alex keeps flinching. He reminds himself not to breathe through his mouth but his mouth falls open anyway when he tries to fight back the tears. “That’s uh….” Frozen, shocked and scared, Alex fails to function or say anything.

 

“Just leave me alone,” says John before marching away. 

 

As if on impulse, Alex half runs behind him. “John… J. please...” John doesn’t stop. Alex jogs behind him but it’s hard to catch up with John, so he calls loudly, “John! Wait!” 

 

When Alex finally reaches him, he grabs John’s arm and almost immediately John yanks it away. And he yells. “GO!” 

 

John yells… 

 

John yells. Something Alex didn’t know John was capable of doing. 

 

His voice booming and echoing in Alex’s ears. Alex flinches and starts shaking from the anger radiating from John, his hands in front of him, shielding himself. And suddenly warm liquid is leaking from his eyes. 

 

He has never heard John yell before, let alone at him. John is never mad. He is the calm water that Alex dives into when strong emotions crush him. Water. Not fire.

 

When someone doesn’t show you every part of him, you start to think that certain parts don’t exist. The shock, the realization, the fright leave Alex rooted to the ground. Shaking, his hands still raised, he stares as John turns around and walks away. A few people in the street stare at him but they are the last thing on his mind right now.

* * *

Trembling still, Alex finds his way home, feeling sorry for himself, cries himself to sleep. John doesn’t come home that night. 

Alex paces for hours the next morning, rewinding the scene in his head. When he tries to sit and calm down, he bites his lips and makes them bleed. Where is he? He hopes to god he is not in a bar or something. If something happens to him, he would be responsible. John is much more mature than he is. But this new version of John that Alex has seen… he just doesn’t know what lengths he can go. Or was it there the whole time? Maybe it’s not new at all.

Was there hatred in John’s eyes? Alex isn’t sure if he imagined it. But John suppresses every feeling. And that cooped up emotions take a darker hue after a while.

Guilt, tension, and embarrassment swallow him whole. Alex is not ready to lose his love. Sweat beads on his forehead. He doesn’t think he can ever forgive himself.  If Henry Laurens bans John from seeing his siblings, if he shuts him out, it will all be Alex’s fault.

Way after midnight, Alex calls the first person he can think of because, of course, John’s phone is switched off.

_ “Hello?” _ comes from the other side.

“Gil.” Alex breathes heavily. When Gilbert doesn’t say anything, Alex gets to the point. “Is John with you?” 

Gilbert sighs. “Oui.”

“Can I-”

“He said if you called… He doesn’t want to talk right now, Alex.” Gilbert cuts him off.

“Oh… okay.” Alex doesn’t know what to say. “Don’t tell him I called.”

“He... he already knows.”

“Oh… I… Has he called home?”

“I don’t know, Alex. He hasn’t been talking much… Look, I gotta go.” Alex could imagine how awkward it must have been for Gilbert to say things with John being there. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” he says too quickly.

“Ok… I’ll talk to you later then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8 more chapters and an epilogue


	23. Let Vagueness Flood All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drugs

_ Present day _

 

The following week Alex starts working again. It’s not the same. He struggles to concentrate. An intern lets him know where he left off and what they have done so far and where Alex can start now. Alex stares blankly all the while. When the intern leaves, it takes him a long while to recollect what he has just been told and what all that actually means. 

Washington visits his office during lunch time almost on a regular basis. Alex doesn’t know how he gets the time; he’s usually so busy. Much to his relief, Washington doesn’t ask how he is doing again. They talk about work. Work, that Alex has to try twice as hard to get done now as before. 

It’s exhausting. 

He doesn’t have the enthusiasm and energy anymore, which makes it more tiring. 

He used to love his job. 

He crashes hard at the end of the day. And as he drifts off to sleep, he tells himself that this is exactly what he wanted.

 

On the last day of his first week, Burr enters his office; a pretentious smile plastered on his face. “The guys are going to a bar after work. You coming?”

Without even considering, Alex smiles and shakes his head. “Thanks, but I’m gonna go straight home.”

“Oh, come on, Ham. They’ll be disappointed. We actually planned to go because of you. As a welcome back... thing.” Putting his hands in his pockets, Burr waits for Alex’s mind to change. “Your drinks are on us.”

_ Why the fuck not, _ he tells himself again.

 

* * *

Alex didn’t think about how many people Burr meant by “the guys”, but he certainly didn’t think it would be only two other people. Jay and Madison - the only people Burr hangs out with apart from Alex. Of course, Alex should have known. 

That is not the only thing that surprises Alex that evening. As Alex shoves his tie into his bag and unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt, Jay leads them into a club. This is certainly not where Alex was imagining they would be going. Drinks after work usually means a few beers at a quiet bar with soft music. 

By the look on Burr’s face, Alex can tell he is not the only one who is surprised. 

“You didn’t say it was a club,” says Burr to Jay.

“Oh did you want to go somewhere else?”

“Well, we’re here, so...”

“I have to leave early anyway.” Madison cuts in. “If we go to another place, I’m gonna have to ditch. So let’s get in.”

Jay, the youngest in the group, scoffs and leads the way.

Burr shows off his newborn baby girl’s picture to the others as they sip on their first beer. He yells over the loud music, detailing everything about her as a proud new dad is supposed to do. Alex only half listens to him. It’s hard for him to stand the look of pure and utmost happiness on Burr’s face when he gushes about his baby and her mother.

After one drink, and the second on the other two’s hands, Burr and Madison take their leave. It’s when Alex is chugging down his second drink so he can dash home too then someone taps on his shoulder. Alex turns around to see a young girl with dark red lips smiling freely down at him. 

“Mr. Hamilton,” she says.

“Maria, hey.” Alex smiles. 

“I didn’t know you come here.”

“I don’t. This is my first time here.” As Jay politely smiles at her, Alex introduces them. “This is Jay, my colleague. And this is Maria, she works for my friend.”

Soon after Maria leaves to join her friends again, Jay drags Alex to the dance floor. Alex squeezes out of the crowd minutes later, sweating and panting. He has lost his colleagues. He goes back to the booth to sit down and catch his breath before he leaves. What he doesn’t notice is that Maria eyeing him from another booth. Feeling bad for him, she goes to him after a while.

“Did your friend abandon you, Mr. Hamilton?”

Feeling a little embarrassed, Alex sits up straight and almost grumpily says, “no. More like I abandoned him. On the dance floor.” He looks away from her. “And please, call me Alex. You make me feel old.”

“Well, you’re older than me.”

Alex looks back at her and furrows his eyebrows. “How old are you?”

“I’m turning 23 in a couple of months.”

Alex rolls his eyes. “I’m not _ that _ older than you.”

“Aren’t you as old as my boss?”

“No, he’s like a year younger,” he says in a small voice.

A sweet but shrill laugh leaves Maria’s mouth. Alex looks up at her, surprised. He can’t help but chuckle.

“Look I’m 27. I’m not on my deathbed dying.”

“You look like you are. Like youth has been sucked out of you.” Maria laughs.

Alex’s smile disappears slowly. “That’s not my fault.”

Upon realizing that she has brought up a sensitive subject, she smiles again and changes the topic. “You know… I might have just the thing you need.”

Alex laughs humorlessly. “I’m quite sure you don’t.”

“My friend’s got this pills for us to try. I’m sure she won’t mind sharing,” says Maria casually.

Alex laughs genuinely this time. “No. Thank. You.”

“Come on, Alex! Live a little,” says Maria, grabbing Alex’s shoulder and giving him a friendly shake.

“No, really, thank you. I’ve never done drugs and I don’t think I’ll like it.”

“Not even in college?”

“No, I was too busy keeping my scholarship and managing two jobs to pay the bills.”

“So do it now. You don’t have all these burdens now, do you? You don’t to explain anything to your parents. You have nothing to worry about.” When she sees Alex considering, she adds, “and it’s Friday night!”

“You know, I’m getting a feeling that I should tell you off. It’s dangerous.”

“That’s the fun of it.”

Yes, Alex doesn’t have anyone he has to explain himself to. No one who will worry about him or stop himself from taking unnecessary and probably dangerous drugs. No one will care. Nothing or no one is actually stopping him.

When he first swallows the pill, he feels nothing. After a while, he remembers nothing. What a pleasant feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No hatin on Maria, she's a good kid


End file.
